Those wily royals. They’ve done it again.
You were pretty proud of those photos you posted of your kid yesterday, weren’t you? The one where their toothy grin beamed through a mess of ice-cream, one of them in the Westfield Santa queue, all hopped up on shopping and sugar.
And then… Kate and William and their tiny titled offspring come along and blow us all out of the water.
If you looked at this photo of Princess Charlotte this morning:
And thought, ‘How cute, how classy, how understatedly perfect’ then you need to get yourself out of your pyjamas and over to your nearest Overpriced Baby Shop NOW, because there is about to be a stampede run-out on teeny-tiny little cashmere cardigans and doll-sized floral smock-frocks.
While you are there, you need to get yourself a pretend puppy, STAT, because after executing the extremely high level of difficulty of including a REAL dog in past family photos, the royals have retired Lupo from official duty and replaced him with a fake version. Charlotte does not seem to mind:
And if you are one of those parents who think that whacking an oversized bow or flower on your baby’s head will suffice until the curls grow in to let the world know she’s a GIRL, you need to burn ALL the evidence of that, right now. Because suddenly, NOTHING is cuter or more desirable on a baby girl than a complete lack of frou frou and a palette of subdued neutrals. What are you, a monster?
Just remember: the royals are better at baby pictures than you. Than me. Than any of us.
Bow down, commoners.
When the last pictures of Princess Charlotte dropped, we learned the following:
So many congratulations on your beautiful family. Truly. They are the most gorgeous little creatures I’ve seen in forever, and I spend a lot of time on the Internet looking at miniature owls.
The photos you posted on Twitter today (nice touch, that’s why the Gen-Ys love you) of Princess Charlotte and Prince George are just divine. The big eyes, the chubby cheeks, the KNEE SOCKS. You’re killing us, Kate.
And you took them yourself! So real, so down-to-earth, so very, very NORMAL.
And so, as one “normal” mother to another, I have some questions. Because you managed to do something most of us never can: the perfect ‘new baby’ family picture without tears, vomit or bite marks ruining the images that zipped around the world and broke the internet in a few seconds flat.
Seriously, that shit is hard. I know, I tried it, and this is what I got:
So, here goes:
Kate, really? How did you do that? You’ve been around the block. You know that newborn babies and white are like red bull and vodka — a really great idea, but infinitely regrettable. How many tiny-teeny white jumpers did you have on standby? Because if it were me, it would have been, “Hey, Thingamy, hold your sister up, NO NOT LIKE THAT,” and bleaurgh, there would have been yellow, clumpy baby vomit all over his tasteful Rachel Riley two-piece. And Lupo the dog would have been up in that, stat.
2. How did you get Prince George to kiss the baby?
Because for the first two months of my second child’s life, if his big sister had gone anywhere near him with an open mouth, I would have turned the hose on her. This little squaller had ruined her life, and the only way she was ever going to snuggle with him was if she was going in for a chomp. Oh, I know — a little smear of Nutella on her forehead? Genius, Kate, just genius.