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Why the royals are better at baby pictures than any of us.

Those wily royals. They’ve done it again.

You were pretty proud of those photos you posted of your kid yesterday, weren’t you? The one where their toothy grin beamed through a mess of ice-cream, one of them in the Westfield Santa queue, all hopped up on shopping and sugar.

And then… Kate and William and their tiny titled offspring come along and blow us all out of the water.

If you looked at this photo of Princess Charlotte this morning:

And thought, ‘How cute, how classy, how understatedly perfect’ then you need to get yourself out of your pyjamas and over to your nearest Overpriced Baby Shop NOW, because there is about to be a stampede run-out on teeny-tiny little cashmere cardigans and doll-sized floral smock-frocks.

While you are there, you need to get yourself a pretend puppy, STAT, because after executing the extremely high level of difficulty of including a REAL dog in past family photos, the royals have retired Lupo from official duty and replaced him with a fake version. Charlotte does not seem to mind:

And if you are one of those parents who think that whacking an oversized bow or flower on your baby’s head will suffice until the curls grow in to let the world know she’s a GIRL, you need to burn ALL the evidence of that, right now. Because suddenly, NOTHING is cuter or more desirable on a baby girl than a complete lack of frou frou and a palette of subdued neutrals. What are you, a monster?

Just remember: the royals are better at baby pictures than you. Than me. Than any of us.

Bow down, commoners.

When the last pictures of Princess Charlotte dropped, we learned the following: 

Dear Kate,

So many congratulations on your beautiful family. Truly. They are the most gorgeous little creatures I’ve seen in forever, and I spend a lot of time on the Internet looking at miniature owls.

The photos you posted on Twitter today (nice touch, that’s why the Gen-Ys love you) of Princess Charlotte and Prince George are just divine. The big eyes, the chubby cheeks, the KNEE SOCKS. You’re killing us, Kate.

And you took them yourself! So real, so down-to-earth, so very, very NORMAL.

And so, as one “normal” mother to another, I have some questions. Because you managed to do something most of us never can: the perfect ‘new baby’ family picture without tears, vomit or bite marks ruining the images that zipped around the world and broke the internet in a few seconds flat.

Seriously, that shit is hard. I know, I tried it, and this is what I got:

Holly’s daughter, Matilida, with Billy the first time they met.

So, here goes:

1. WHITE?

Kate, really? How did you do that? You’ve been around the block. You know that newborn babies and white are like red bull and vodka — a really great idea, but infinitely regrettable. How many tiny-teeny white jumpers did you have on standby? Because if it were me, it would have been, “Hey, Thingamy, hold your sister up, NO NOT LIKE THAT,” and bleaurgh, there would have been yellow, clumpy baby vomit all over his tasteful Rachel Riley two-piece. And Lupo the dog would have been up in that, stat.

2. How did you get Prince George to kiss the baby?

Because for the first two months of my second child’s life, if his big sister had gone anywhere near him with an open mouth, I would have turned the hose on her. This little squaller had ruined her life, and the only way she was ever going to snuggle with him was if she was going in for a chomp. Oh, I know — a little smear of Nutella on her forehead? Genius, Kate, just genius.

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Nutella on the forehead (not pictured)

3. KNEE SOCKS?

Enough said. You know, I spend a lot of time around two-year-olds, and I’ve never, ever seen one in knee socks. Oh, look, there’s one now…

4. How did you get a two-week old baby to look at the camera?

You know, I didn’t believe that princesses were born special. But then I saw this photo where George is kissing Charlotte on the head and she is looking straight at the camera with a confident baby-smirk and I had a lightbulb moment. SHE KNOWS. Princess Charlotte knows she will never have to wear a plastic tiara in her life. She knows that Disney will make an action-figure of her. And she knows people will be mopping up her vomit well beyond her 21st. Bow down.

5. Why isn’t anyone crying?

Hold on, I think I know the answer to this one. There is someone crying. It’s you. After spending 40 minutes trying to capture the moment where they’re both looking your way, and George isn’t squeezing Princess Charlotte’s little leg until she squeals, and no-one has vomited on the heirloom jumper yet, and the dog hasn’t jumped up on the couch and no-one’s filled a nappy… You were quietly sobbing in the corner, and William was asking you why you were putting so much pressure on yourself and hadn’t just called Patrick Demarchelier, like he suggested.

Why is nobody crying?

Thank you for your time, Kate. I’d love it you could hurry back with a response, because I’m hoping for another family photoshoot soon, and I’m thinking of going with one of those companies who stop you at the shopping centre. They always sound to reasonable, and they definitely think your child is model-material, but then you find out that the permission slip you signed entitles them to a stake in your home, all the digital images for promotional use and naming rights of your next baby…

Oh. THAT’S why you decided to do it yourself.

Smart, Kate, smart.

Lots of luck and multiple Napisan buckets to you and yours,
Holly

ps: This is what real pics of siblings look like…

What do you think of the portraits of Princess Charlotte? 

Did you like reading this? Then you might want to read…

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“I have a kids’ birthday party confession.”

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