An open letter to Israel Folau. From God.

Note: This piece is not actually written by God him/her/themself. Their rate was too high and honestly we couldn’t afford it.

Hello Israel,

… Ok.

You appear to be ignoring my letters.

So how do I put this.


You’re making me look bad and I’m considering suing you for defamation.

Listen: It’s not the first time Folau has dragged the big man upstairs into one of his scandals…

This week, I was floating around in the Truth of Jesus Christ Church in Kenthurst, Sydney, and happened to hear your 10 minute sermon (which was also recorded… all my friends shared it on Twitter for goodness sake).

You said that the bushfires that have recently burned through NSW and Queensland and claimed the lives of six people were my punishment for Australians legalising same-sex marriage and abortion and where the hell did you get that idea, sir?

“Abortion… it’s okay now to murder, kill infants, unborn children,” you said during the service.

“Look how rapid these bushfires, these droughts, all these things have come in a short period of time. Do you think it’s a coincidence or not?”

Well. Not to be too political but I think it’s less of a coincidence and more so a result of climate change which you all appear to have been warned about time and time again, but I digress.

“God is speaking to you guys. Australia you need to repent and take these laws and turn it back to what is right.”

And, pause.

I did not light sh*t on fire and I do not appreciate the accusation.

Do you think I was behind the 2004 Boxing Day tsunami which claimed the lives of 230,000 people? What were their sins, exactly? What were they being punished for?

And Hurricane Katrina? The earthquake in Haiti? Cyclone Nargis?

Hundreds and hundreds of thousands of innocent people dead and you think it’s a) my fault and b) their fault?

You went on to quote the Bible, which I normally don’t mind because it’s quite a good book, but there’s something I’d like to remind you of.

I. Was. Not. The. Author. Of. The. Bible. And neither was my son, Jesus.

It was put together by a bunch of guys after my son died who – if we’re being completely frank – took a few artistic liberties that we don’t particularly appreciate.

You read to the congregation, “The earth is defiled by its people; they have disobeyed the laws, violated the statutes and broken the everlasting covenant. Therefore a curse consumes the earth; its people must bear their guilt. Therefore earth’s inhabitants are burned up, and very few are left.”

Firstly, that was written by Isaiah, and secondly, it was a weird time and I’m still not entirely certain what he was trying to say.

What I do know is that the Bible (again, great book, buy it at all good book stores etc.) is a historical document that was produced in a very specific historical context.

Somewhere in there it says that it’s okay to beat your slaves to death as long as they don’t die in the first 48 hours. And children who tease men for being bald should be mauled by a bear, and honestly a hairless disciple was just feeling particularly vulnerable that day and went a little too far.


There’s a whole passage about Jesus getting into an argument with a tree for goodness sake, wasn’t that a clue that it was time to put the book down?

We made the Bible more than 1200 pages long for a reason and that reason was that we didn’t expect anyone to read it all. You’re meant to skim a bunch of it, and focus on the parts about loving thy neighbour and forgiveness and salvation. I thought that was implicit.

Given that you appear to take my word (which isn’t even my word) to be law, I’d like to make a few amendments.

The stuff about the homosexuals. Back then, we didn’t understand anything about homosexuality or bisexuality or anything else. We didn’t even know the earth rotated for Christ’s sake. Give us a break.

I voted ‘Yes’ in the same-sex marriage plebiscite, do you understand? Along with my good friends Magda Szubanski (she was great in Kath and Kim) and Father Rod Bower. I even told him to put this sign outside his church.

See. I literally told you.
See. I literally told you.

Also. Abortion.

I didn't go to all the effort of giving women their own minds and beliefs just to be told by a bunch of men what to do with their own bodies. What a waste of resources.

But, look. You are more than welcome, Israel, to believe whatever you like.

The point of this letter is just to kindly ask you to leave me out of it.

I'm up here, just doing my best, trying to get through all my unread emails while being asked to be in hundreds of places at once, and the last thing I need is you blaming me for a goddamn bushfire.

I'm not punishing anyone. And I'm not particularly fussed with the intricacies of Australian law.



P.S. You are doing nothing for my personal brand.

00:00 / ???