Kate saw a couple who were asking for a surrogate on Facebook. So she DM'ed them.

When it comes to surrogacy in Australia, it's a topic many of us know seldom about. Some assume surrogacy is completely illegal, others would guess there's surely payment involved. 

In Australia, it is legal to be a surrogate — but there's a big criteria list for the impending surrogate, and also strict laws that make it illegal for the surrogate to be paid. It is a completely altruistic choice. 

For Kate, she decided to give this ultimate gift to a couple she didn't know personally, purely out of the kindness of her heart. 

Kate and her husband Dan know a thing or two when it comes to pregnancy and babies. 

"We've been really lucky. We have five biological children, and I've been blessed to be able to fall pregnant very naturally. My husband would joke that I'd bump into him in the hallway and still manage to fall pregnant," Kate tells to Mamamia. 

Not only were all of Kate's pregnancies relatively complication-free, but also her deliveries too. For context, they were all vaginal births. After having five kids together, Kate and Dan together decided they were done having biological kids. But that didn't stop them from fostering.

Watch: Shannon Garner's labour of love on No Filter. Post continues below.

"We got into fostering over the years. I would say we've fostered around 40 children ranging in age from one day old to 18 years old — boys and girls. We just loved it."

When it came to the idea of surrogacy, Kate didn't know much about it until a friend of hers said they were looking for an egg donor. 

Kate said she would be happy to donate her eggs and be a surrogate for the friend if needed, considering this friend had been having a really tough time with fertility and IVF. In the end, Kate donated her eggs in 2018, but didn't need to be a surrogate, as the friend fell pregnant successfully just with the egg donation via IVF. But the experience certainly sparked an intrigue in Kate's mind. 

"I came across a surrogacy Australia Facebook group and started doing some digging," Kate says. "Call it window shopping maybe, but I was going through the tonnes of posts, where couples were putting call-outs requesting surrogates, or just sharing about their fertility journeys."

As Kate searched through the requests from people, she didn't really know what she was looking for. They all tugged on the heartstrings — stories of heartbreak, cancer, fertility challenges, you name it. She figured that she would find a couple or a story that clicked and felt right.

And soon enough she found exactly that.

"I came across a couple Angus and Adam in this Facebook group. They lived in Sydney like me, I stalked their personal Facebook accounts and loved their vibe. It just felt right. They had written about their desires to become dads, and I knew they were my blokes."

In August 2021, she DM'ed Angus and Adam, explaining that she felt she might be the right fit for them, as they were looking for a surrogate. They already had eggs donated from one of their sisters, all they needed was a very kind and giving carrier.

"We just started messaging, getting to know each other. We realised we were on the same wavelength about a lot of things. Turns out they lived nearby, they had two Labradors like my husband and I, and they also had chickens like us. Dan and I figured that Angus and Adam were like the gay version of us as a couple!"

By October 2021, Kate felt confident in her decision to be a surrogate. 

"Telling them I was happy to be their surrogate was so special. I got one of those dolls that you can record a message on, and when you squeeze it or touch it, the message plays out. When they heard it, they just burst into tears and we were one big blubbery hug. The rest is history."

Listen to another surrogacy story on No Filter. Post continues after audio.

Dr Shadi Khashaba is a fertility specialist at IVF Australia. He was the fertility specialist for Angus and Adam when Kate was a surrogate. Dr Khashaba also used a gestational carrier for he and his partner to start their own family. 

Speaking to Mamamia, he says there are a series of boxes that a person must tick before they're eligible to be a surrogate. 

"The three requirements for the surrogate are that they need to have sought legal advice, underwent psychological assessment and medical clearance. Interestingly, cases of surrogacy in Australia have been increasing over the past years, almost growing by 10 per cent each year," Dr Khashaba says.

"In the vast majority of cases, the surrogate is a very close friend or family member of the intended parents. It's the gift of life. I really enjoy the work I do, and helping people start their own families via surrogacy options. It's certainly a rewarding experience for all."

For Kate, she managed to tick all the necessary requirements. Her fertility levels were strong, she had no history of complications, and she was a willing and healthy participant. The only thing was that she was considered a 'geriatric birth mum', due to the fact she was 42. 

"The process is extensive and for good reason. There's blood tests, approval from your GPs, consultation with a fertility clinic, there's counselling, lawyers involved. Creating the embryos took time but once they were transferred, I fell pregnant straight away. And the pregnancy was all good from there."

Mostly, Kate says her family responded really well to her decision to be a surrogate. Her kids were "a little bit funny about it", she says, thinking it probably came down to them not knowing much about surrogacy and the fact they were between the ages of 12 and 17. 

And throughout the entire process, Angus and Adam were by her side. 

"I had a water birth, and it was such a team effort. To give the guys their baby girl — Vivian — was amazing," Kate says.

One of the biggest questions so many have about surrogacy — other than the legalities surrounding it — is the topic of emotional attachment. When Kate gave birth to her five biological kids, she immediately felt that maternal instinct kick in. The motherly love was instant.

But when she gave birth to Vivian in October 2022, she says it was a completely different type of love.

Kate holding baby Vivian, with Angus and Adam on the left, the doctor and Kate's husband Dan on the right. Image: Supplied. 

"From the outset, I knew that Vivian was not mine. I was just carrying their baby. When I looked at Viv, I did feel that instant love but it was different — more like an Aunty role. It was like 'Oh my gosh look what I've done for them'.

"It's a bond not an attachment per se. I just knew that these two dads are going to be the most amazing fathers and that it was a privilege to give them that gift."

Reflecting on this topic, Kate says she may have felt different if she was related to Angus or Adam or if there had been a strong friendship prior to the surrogacy.

"I think sometimes it makes it harder. For me, having that line helped me separate my head and my heart. Whereas I think if a sister was doing it for her brother and brother-in-law, it might be harder for them. In my circumstance, it's easier to separate myself from the situation."

Surrogacy law in Australia is complicated, and ultimately for understandable reasons.

Commercial surrogacy remains illegal in Australia, which means a woman cannot be paid to carry and give birth to a child on behalf of another person.

It's legally allowed for the surrogate to have their medical expenses paid for by the couple/individual receiving the child, but any extra payment or donation is illegal.

Surrogacy in Australia is regulated in each state and/or territory, which means there are some varying legal factors depending on where the surrogate and intended parents reside. They all mostly follow the same basic principles though.

As per IVF Australia, impending surrogates must satisfy requirements such as: 

• She must be older than 25, and younger than the age of natural menopause (52 years of age). This may be increased slightly to 55 in the unique situation of a gestational surrogate who is the mother or mother-in-law of the intended parent.
• She must have already given birth to a child of her own.
• She must have no history of pregnancy-related illnesses or complications.
• She needs to have an established relationship with the intending parents for a period of no less than 6 months by the time of embryo transfer.
• Neither the surrogate nor intending parents suffer from any significant psychiatric disorder that would impair decision-making or the care of the child.

For Kate, she feels that discussion around the surrogacy laws in Australia is complex for a reason.

"So many people assume I was paid to be a surrogate, but I wasn't. It is illegal to be paid. Obviously in other countries, commercial surrogacy is legal, but in Australia you can't do that. My medical fees were covered by Angus and Adam, but being a surrogate overall was a completely altruistic decision and act," she explains.

Kate with Angus and Adam. Image: Supplied. 

"There is a huge need for surrogacy in Australia, and we need more surrogates. It's heartbreaking to see the challenges so many people are going through with IVF, and having the options of surrogacy be more accessible to them would be amazing."

At the same time though, Kate is unsure where she stands on whether a surrogate should receive payment. It's particularly murky, considering the sheer amount of cases we've seen overseas involving exploitation of the surrogate.

And that's something no one wants. 

"We've seen examples of exploitation in other countries where money is involved, but we've also seen good outcomes. I think it's a fine line. I do think in Australia there's still a lot more to go in terms of surrogacy, the laws and how they work."

Almost a year on from giving birth to Vivian, Kate still sees Angus, Adam and their baby girl regularly. They even gave Kate's middle name to Vivian. It's Louise if you were wondering. 

"We're good mates now. I get my cuddles regularly and babysit sometimes. It's like they're extended family," Kate says.

Nowadays, Kate is no longer up to being a surrogate, her body feeling "done and dusted".

"I've already done my bit for the population," Kate laughs. 

For women who might be considering becoming a surrogate, Kate would say this — do your research, consult with the experts and your loved ones, and know it's a marathon not a sprint.

"It isn't easy and not without challenges carrying a child. But to see that Angus and Adam now have a family of their own, like myself and my husband do, it's really nice," she says.

"I always say people are brought on this earth for different reasons. I think mine is to help bring children into the world who are loved, and look after the kids already here. Whether that's having kids of my own, fostering, coaching kids or bringing Vivian into the world."

Feature Image: Supplied.