I had an interesting influx of dating questions come into my DMs this past week. Each one of them had a running theme, something I also struggled with when I was younger.
All these people wanted to know why the person they’re dating/interested in doesn’t give them the kind of attention they want. In other words, why someone isn’t showing the interest they seek.
Of course, the questions didn’t sound as self-aware as that. They were framed in the way of "she texts me several times one day but then goes silent for weeks" or "he flirts with me but never asks me out on a date."
Watch: Relationship Deal Breakers. Post continues below.
And to all of these people, I have the hard-hitting advice that an entire movie was created from: they’re just not that into you. There’s no way around the fact that when someone doesn’t give you the time of day or prioritise you in their life, it’s because they’re not interested in dating seriously. Sure, there may be some interest, but not enough to create a thriving relationship.
While everyone wants to harp on why it is the other person isn’t interested, I’m more concerned with why they don’t think they deserve more from in a relationship. Because when you put up with someone treating you other than how you want, you’re essentially saying that behaviour is OK when it’s not.
You deserve someone as interested in you as you are them. Finding someone like that means creating boundaries for what behaviours you will and won’t put up with. It also means being honest with yourself about what someone’s actions are telling you.
And to do all of that, you need to first recognise the signs that someone isn’t into you:
1. They’re inconsistent with communication.
Yes, this includes the person who doesn’t text you back for weeks. If they wanted to talk with you, they would. No one is busy to the point that they’re never on their phone.
I’ve never liked the notion of "mixed signals" because if someone wanted to be with you, they would make the intention clear. Ignoring you for days on end isn’t a good sign for any sort of relationship, romantic included. You’re better off moving on and finding someone who wants to talk with you regularly.
2. Making plans is something you have to do.
You find that you’re the person who is always making plans for when you’ll see each other next. They never seem to initiate that kind of conversation, and it’s gotten to the point where you feel like you’re pulling teeth.
I was in this exact position with a guy I met on Bumble. Our first few dates were fireworks, but after three weeks of sparks, he became distant. I had to be the one to make any sort of plans until one day, he finally called to tell me he didn’t feel a connection anymore. If that’s not definite proof that someone who doesn’t put in the effort to see you isn’t interested, I don’t know what is.