"I love my son more than my daughter" she said.

The biggest taboo: loving one of your children more than another.  Few would admit to it but writer and mum of two Kate Tietje wrote publicly about how she loves her children differently (and not altogether equally) in a post that appeared on Babble recently entitled “I think I love my son a little bit more”. In part, she wrote:

“I think I love my son just a little bit more than my daughter.

See, I have two kids.  I have a 3-year-old girl, and a 20-month-old boy.  I love them both, don’t get me wrong.  I find both of them amazing and fascinating (and frustrating!) in different ways.  They are both clearly mine and I love them and want to keep them forever.”

She carries on to say

“There are moments – in my Sophie’s Choice type musings – when I wonder which child it would really be worse to lose…if I were ever forced to choose. I immediately feel awful and want to go and hug them both and never let them go.  

“… I find it easier to gravitate towards my son.  I’m more likely to pick him up and snuggle him, or to get something he asks for quickly.  I’m less patient with my daughter, more likely to fight with her or refuse to get her something for no good reason … These are really on my worst days though…on my better days, my normal days, I make more effort to try to be fair to both.”

Unsurprisingly the article, prompted a deluge of comments. Most readers were outraged, expressing concern or sympathy for the daughter. Several gave Kate the same simple advice – to get help!

While many people admitted they could relate to aspects of her experience , indeed many did find one child easier to parent than another, commenters were virtually unanimous in their disagreement with the author’s description of this as a greater love for one child over another. And she was roundly admonished for expressing these thoughts out loud.

Kate responded to the negative feedback saying

“My recent post, “I Think I Love My Son a Little Bit More” got…quite a lot of responses.  Many of them negative.  At first I was surprised and hurt by it, but then realized a couple of things:

1) None of you in “internetland” know me well enough to understand why I’d write and publish such a thing (I actually pulled it for awhile but my real-life friends encouraged me to repost it)

2) It probably struck a little too close to home for many of you…you’ve had those same thoughts about one or more children in your darkest, most private times…and found it obscene to see your own worst thoughts out in the light of day

There’s a lot of irony surrounding that post, and the reactions to it (and really, surrounding my entire online-writing career!).  And in the name of honesty, I’m not done confessing.  Oh yes, there’s more….

I’m not a perfect mother.”

I’m a big fan of honesty and I like sharing. Being frank with my friends about my triumphs and tribulations in the parenting arena is cathartic and worth thousands of dollars worth of therapy. A problem shared is a problem halved and being honest invokes honest responses.

Walking away with that sense of ‘wow I’m not alone in finding this hard, or trying, or joyous’ is invaluable. There’s so much to be gained by talking with other parents about the realities of raising small people. Anything that makes the experience less isolating, less daunting and more enjoyable is a worthy endeavour in my books. But. And this is a big BUT.

I am not Pollyanna. I am not a psychologist and I’m certainly not a better mother than anyone else I know. But I think a confession from a mother, announced on the world wide web, with an accompanying photo, that she loves her son more than her daughter, however honest, is truly sad.

Imagine that girl, who is just three, reading these words. Or worse, living them.

I know from my 28 years as a middle child of three rather than my short year as a mum to one, that all parents have good and bad days, as do kids. I know there were days, sometimes weeks, growing up where I drove mum and dad mad, and they probably wished they could trade me in for a better behaved version. I also know there were times when the same could be said of my older sister and my younger brother. At different times, we needed different things.

It seems reasonable enough for a pendulum to swing freely between children from least demanding to most demanding as the weeks of their lives roll by. In an ideal world each child would spend an equal amount of time occupying various positions along the way. In the real world, that’s unlikely. Maybe one child will always be more challenging than another.

Mothering is a polarising pursuit. Whatever the topic, there are inevitably camps firmly entrenched on either end of the parenting spectrum, willing and able to roll out their troupes at the slightest glimpse of opposition to vocally defend their territory.

That’s partly what this mother set out to do. To explain and justify why she’s not a perfect mum. To reveal her struggle and justify what she identifies as sad feelings. She aggressively raises the defence of not being perfect throughout her article and in response to many disapproving readers who could not comprehend her feelings, nor her desire to publish them.

Every single one of us can relate to not being perfect. But, for me I believe a child’s welfare should be paramount. Ahead of our own desires to be heard. I think the daughter’s welfare is at stake here. Not just because these words were published but because she lives in a world where those words are real.

What do you think? Was Kate’s biggest mistake to drill down into her feelings and describe her feelings for her son as a ‘greater love’ instead of the more benign term ‘favourite’?  Can parents genuinely love some children more than others? If that’s the case should we talk about it? Do you think your parents had a ‘favourite’ when you were growing up? And what about grandparents? Do they have favourites sometimes?

note: comments on the original post over at Babble had to be closed after many became abusive towards the author. As always on MM, we’re interested in having a civilised discussion about this, and any abusive comments will be deleted.