'I run a youth charity. Here’s what I wish people knew about teenagers.'

We were all teenagers once, but if you are anything like me, sometimes it can feel like that was a lifetime ago.  

Maybe you remember some of the awkwardness and the changes you went through, and certainly, you might laugh about some of the antics you may have gotten up to, but as adults, it is difficult for us to understand exactly what our teenagers are experiencing today. 

This is partly because we never understood it ourselves when the same changes were happening to us, but also because we no longer know what it is like to be a teenager in this rapidly changing world.  

As the Chief Executive of youth charity Youth Opportunities, and a step mum to three now adult children, I know as parents it can sometimes feel like we are in a constant battle to understand our teens.

We've hunted down every bit of crucial info you need to help your teens thrive, and put it all in one place: The Living With Teens Summit. Presented by Mamamia, and streaming February 15. Get tickets now.

We have teenagers who won’t talk to us, or if they do, it is in one-syllable answers; we have tired teens who sleep in every day after nights spent on their phones or gaming consoles, teens who are not thinking about the consequences of their life choices, and of course, teens who somehow know exactly how to push our buttons.

Let’s be honest, it can be hard to not take their actions personally, be quick to judge their behaviour and choices, or question our own parenting style. 

However, after 25 years of graduating over 15,000 young people through our personal leadership programs, and our team running countless workshops with parents, caregivers, and educators, I want you to know this: you are not alone, and in many cases, a lot of the challenging behaviours we see can be attributed to the mysterious teenage brain. 

And the good news is, there are some simple strategies you can put in place to help you and your teen create the relationship that both of you want, just by taking some time to better understand the brain.

We shouldn’t be surprised by emotional responses.

We used to think that the brain was fully developed by the time puberty hit. Commonly we attributed the emotions of the teenager to puberty, thinking that it is all driven by those pesky hormones. However, it turns out that it’s more about actual brain changes than hormone changes.  

Research using new technologies such as an MRI, now tells us that fundamental changes in both structure and function are happening in the teenage years and continue until about the age of 25 (it can even be up to 30 for males).

Most of the change we see occurs in the prefrontal cortex. One of its core functions, along with planning, prioritising, and controlling impulses is rational decision-making. You may have first-hand experience with the fact that the prefrontal cortex is one of the last parts of the brain to mature. So really, it’s no wonder we often see young people making decisions and behaviours that we might consider questionable. 

The more primitive Limbic System, the brain’s emotional hub, matures long before the prefrontal cortex. This tends to become a default state up until the prefrontal cortex is fully developed. 

That’s why it’s not surprising that we see some very emotional responses from our teenagers because of this.   

How do we support our teens through this?  

Firstly, don’t take your teens' behaviour personally. Remember, their brains are a battlefield right now, with emotions overtaking reason and judgement. Showing empathy and patience will reduce escalation. 

Secondly, choose when to have a discussion wisely as during the heat of the moment your teen is unlikely to be rational. Allow time for your teen to calm down to enable them to access their prefrontal cortex to provide a less emotional response. A time when you are both calm, have time to explore a topic, and are not distracted by outside influences is useful. 

Why now is the perfect time form healthy habits.

There are also two significant changes to be aware of here in both structure and function of the brain which can help us improve our relationships with our teens, and ultimately help them to be their best. These two changes relate to Synaptic Pruning and Neurotransmitters. 

I know those words sound scary and complex but trust me they’re not.  

Have you ever pruned your garden? Well, Synaptic Pruning is exactly like that, except instead of removing unnecessary weeds and leaves that inhibit growth, teenage brains are constantly removing pathways and connections that they once needed as children but no longer serve them as an adolescent. Whilst their brains are doing this pruning they are also reinforcing the pathways that are used and are important. It is a real 'keep it or cull it' situation, which is why the adolescent years are the perfect time for teens to form healthy habits that set them up for success in their adult life. 

Just ask behavioural scientist and General Manager of Marshman Foundation Nicky Brand who says, "All of us have neuroplasticity, which is just another way of saying our brains are great at adapting and changing, but a teenage brain has specific changes that make adolescence the perfect time to set it up for successful habits." 

"It’s why the personal leadership programs the Marshman Foundation creates for Youth Opportunities are delivered primarily to 15 to 17-year-olds. Because if we can reach young people with evidence-based tools and concepts at this age the brain is more likely to rewire and be mature enough to make best use of them."

So what can you do? Take advantage of this golden opportunity when synaptic pruning is happening to help your teenager build the lifelong habits that will see them thrive. 

Understand how brain chemistry impacts behaviour. 

The other major change is in three chemical messengers that are called neurotransmitters. 

Neurotransmitters help with information processing in the brain and, as a parent, it is helpful to know that some of the changes in behaviour you see may well be due to brain chemistry.  

These are: 

• Serotonin – responsible for regulating anxiety, happiness, and mood. 

• Melatonin – responsible for the sleep-wake cycle. 

• Dopamine – responsible for pleasure, reward-seeking, and motivation. 

All of these brain changes go some way in helping us to answer some of the common questions parents ask us at Youth Opportunities. 

Why does my teenager go to bed so late? And what can I do about it? 

Melatonin is the hormone responsible for control of the sleep-wake cycle and is regularly produced by the brain in response to darkness. However, in adolescence, young people’s melatonin production is delayed, which can cause them to stay up and it is compounded by the many distractions available to them.  

You can work with your teen to set up healthy habits and start regulating their sleep cycle, for example, no phone before bed, doing homework outside of bed, when to not eat or drink caffeinated foods, or even exercise! 

It is important to implement age-appropriate bedtimes, and it’s okay to allow sleep catch up on weekends and holidays but beware that too much can impose a jet lag like state when they need to readjust to normal routines. Consider offering up a tempting brunch at a specified time to keep the sleep-ins reasonable. 

This physical brain change can additionally be worsened using blue light technologies close to bedtime. Ideally encourage alternative activities as the stimulation of online activities will further disrupt sleep. It’s okay to use devices for non-stimulating activities, like reading, so encourage the use of night mode once the sun goes down! 

Listen to Mamamia's podcast, Help! I Have A Teenager. Post continues below.

Okay, but why is my teenager so moody? And how can I support them?

Serotonin is the neurotransmitter responsible for a variety of functions including moderating mood and feelings of wellbeing. During adolescence, there is a significant drop in serotonin – particularly in females. Low serotonin can be linked with anxiety, mood swings, loneliness, eating disorders and depression. 

Because of this, as parents and mentors, it can be difficult to differentiate between a "normal" teenage low, and when extra help might be needed.  

In addition, the social brain is disrupted during the physical changes during adolescence meaning that they genuinely struggle to see another’s point of view. 

This can result in them misreading your own social cues – they may see anger when you were expressing confusion for example.    

So, what can you do about it? Knowing your young person well will allow you to recognise when behaviours are genuinely out of the ordinary, and additional help may be needed. Openness, encouragement and choosing the right time to talk can help identify the depth of issues. 

Ensure you seek out appropriate support with your teen by contacting your general practitioner. 

Make your messages unambiguous and leave no room for misinterpretation. Express your thoughts and feelings as clearly as you can. 

Tell me, why does my teenager take so many risks? 

Dopamine is known as the brain’s pleasure neurotransmitter, playing a role in novelty seeking. Dopamine fluctuates wildly in adolescents and, together with a limbic system primed for risk-taking behaviours, can present in the form of dangerous choices, such as speeding, substance use, breaking rules, and pushing boundaries. 

One of the ways a supporting adult in a young person’s life can assist with dopamine regulation is by encouraging healthy risk-taking, such as public speaking, sports, or psychological challenges. If the activity has a little fear or excitement attached, it can deliver similar rewards. 

Healthy risk taking is important for good psychological growth in the path to independence. Be aware of your own teen’s tendency as some do not have enough of an appetite which can lead to avoidance behaviours and anxiety. Encourage growth through small steps and resist the urge to rescue them when they start to become uncomfortable.  

Why is my teenager always on their phone? 

Another dopamine-driven behaviour! Dopamine is also associated with the reward system in the brain and is often called the 'feel good' chemical. One of many triggers of dopamine in the brain (and not just for young people – adults too!) is receiving a notification on your phone – we have been trained to realise that it often means someone has "liked" a post or sent us a message, which makes us feel important and wanted. Unstable dopamine levels may be just one of the many reasons your teen spends so much time on their phone. 

Help your teenager create a healthy relationship with their devices, understand when and why social media sites are addictive, and encourage purposeful use, rather than constant mindless scrolling. 

Lead by example and challenge the whole family to have dedicated screen free times and try identifying the most addictive or harmful apps and removing them one at a time.  

Why doesn’t my teenager know what they want to do? 

The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain responsible for complex planning processes and is also the last part of the brain to mature. This can mean that young people struggle with responsible decision-making, as well as goal planning for the future. 

With this in mind, engage the active emotional brain by discussing aspirations and dreams not just what they want to be when they grow up but rather who they want to be.

Ask them how they might feel when they achieve something, what lifestyle they might be able to live, and what qualities and strengths they’d like to show as a person. 

Linking goals to emotion can help a young person really connect with a goal such that it is easier to engage their prefrontal cortex to start planning to achieve it. 

Erin Faehrmann is the Chief Executive of Youth Opportunities Australia and a fierce advocate for youth. Youth Opportunities programs are available in South Australian schools and online Australia-wide. By making a donation to Youth Opportunities you are helping to ensure young people have access to our vital programs and services, while also enabling more parents and caregivers’ access to helpful resources to support their teenagers. 

We've hunted down every bit of crucial info you need to help your teens thrive, and put it all in one place: The Living With Teens Summit. Presented by Mamamia, and streaming February 15. Get tickets now.

Feature Image: Supplied. 

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