There are few times in life that you feel more powerless than during a break up.
It feels like a rejection of your entire being. You mourn not only the person who you thought loved you, but also everything you hoped for and imagined. It’s like your world, as you know it, has come to an end.
I have memories of melodramatically sobbing on the floor of my shower (cringe), crying on a plane after being dumped only the day before (how…embarrassing) and refusing to get out of bed, absolutely overcome with excruciating pain.
After my last break up, I did what any Gen Y would do. I turned to my one true confidant; a little thing known as www.google.com.
I asked questions I would never dare ask a real-life friend, out of fear of looking like an actual crazy person.
And, as with all heartbreak, something good came out of it. I learnt what works and what doesn’t. And when friends have gone through the same thing I’ve been able to offer empathy, and some tried and true advice.
I once thought I’d been ghosted. He ended up messaging me a week later. Oh, and he saw this video. Kill me. Post continues below.
Here are the phrases you must say to yourself in order to get over a shitty break up.
- “He/she always did wear really ugly shoes…”
Okay, so this one doesn’t have to be shoe specific. You can extend it to be about any feature of their wardrobe/appearance/personality.
Your brain is a self-sabotaging psychopathic menace and will try to remember all the fantastic things about a person that, if we’re honest, is fairly sub-par.
It’s time to own up to that part of them you always, just a little bit…hated. I suggested this exercise to a friend once, and at first she resisted. Before long, whilst chocking back tears she said “Well…he did…he did wear a backpack.”
I rest my case.
2. “I will find someone better.”
This one requires you to jump back on the Google machine. Type in words such as ‘Ryan Gosling’, ‘Zac Efron’, ‘Brad Pitt’ etc. etc.
Such searches are a helpful reminder that you will find someone better. Think about it. Imagine if you ended up with the guy you dated when you were 15. Or 17. That would not have been ideal. Generally, our dating experiences improve as we grow older. So this was just a necessary stepping stone to finding your very own George Clooney.
Eg. Image via Warner Bros.
3. "Even Katy Perry gets dumped..."
At first, this might seem like a strange one. But stay with me.
As someone who has had their fragile heart broken into a million pieces, I can confirm that Katy Perry: Part Of Me is the greatest most incredible thing you can watch when you're crying so much that your lower face is covered in snot.
The 'documentary' (I feel weird classifying it as that) is about Perry's California Dreams tour. She is bangin'. She is funny. She is one of the most talented and successful performers in the world. And guess what? She. Gets. Dumped.
There is a scene where Perry is laying on a makeshift bed backstage, crying. She has tens of thousands of fans waiting for her to perform. Eventually, she takes a deep breath, composes herself, and makes her way onto the stage.
There is no one in the world who is above getting dumped. It happens to the best of us - like myself and Katy Perry (lol).
Never forget "...baby you're a firework". Image via Getty.
4. "F*ck that d*ckhead wanker *expletive* *expletive*."
In case you were wondering, yes, this sentence does fail to make grammatical sense. But that is not the point. Because this phrase is backed up by science.
According to a study published in NeuroReport swearing serves a very important purpose. It actually helps in relieving pain. So please, swear to your heart's content.
5. "I'm not going to let someone else dictate my self worth."
This is the kind of thing I would never let a friend know I have actually said to myself in the mirror.
But I have.
Imagine you're the Mona Lisa, hanging in the Louvre. Millions of people every year come by to admire how incredible you are. And then some dickhead goes "Eh. I don't know what the fuss is about."
Well guess what, dude. No one cares about your opinion. Because the Mona Lisa is, objectively, pretty bloody awesome. And one person's negative opinion isn't going to influence the worth of the Mona Lisa.
I understand that I have just completely objectified you, and likened you to a pretty painting in an art gallery. But it was a metaphor. And while I'm on the subject of feminism, read The Female Eunuch. And Caitlin Moran's How to Be a Woman. I find that feminist literature really helps during break ups.
Some additional post break up hacks include watching Amy Schumer's stand up on YouTube. I hadn't laughed in days and she had me in stitches. Also, change your phone background. Over the months/years, you will have come to associate your partner with whatever your phone background was. Change it. Trust me, it works.
And remember, it WILL get better. They wore a f*cking backpack anyway.
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