wellness

Exactly how you're coping in self-isolation, according to your star sign.

On the weekend, after finding out that both Rebel Sport and Kmart had sold out of weights, dumbbells and yoga mats, I filled a backpack with books and wore it like I was preparing for Kokoda.

I then proceeded with my daily workout.

Ahem. Yes. I am an Aquarius, and apparently this is textbook isolation behaviour for those of us born between January 21 and February 20. So, dear reader, I AM NOT SORRY OKAY.

WATCH: This is your isolation reality based on your star sign. Post continues after video.

Video by Mamamia

My partner has heard me exclaim things on a daily basis like “but my legs feel restless” and “I JUST NEED TO GET MY HEART RATE UP” and how have we only been doing this for two weeks.

As a classic Virgo, he ain’t taking none of my complaining. Which should be fun for us now that it looks like this is our new norm for idk, like six months (??).

But enough of me, let’s move on to you. Because we at Mamamia, took the time to really study the intricacies of astrology to find out exactly how your star sign is informing your daily habits now that we’re all self-isolating.

Here’s the absolutely definitive guide to how you’re coping with isolation, according to your star sign. (Okay, no it isn’t. Let’s just say it’s a… guide).

Aries.

Your home is very… clean.

In fact, you just can’t stop cleaning, and disinfecting, and policing your housemates about “if they really did wash their hands for twenty whole seconds because according to your timer, they did not” and that’s okay.

At least your house is very clean and tidy.

Taurus. 

THE SUPERMARKET IS HARD PLS.

Look, we know.

You’re angry that there’s no toilet paper, because you refuse to consider the alternative.

You’re angry that people keep walking towards you when they’re supposed to be social distancing, but you refuse to move out of THEIR way.

You’re angry that everyone else in this new reality is a goddamn idiot.

Gemini.

We know you’re a machine and super productive and all, but stop showing the rest of us up.

BECAUSE HOW ARE YOU NOT GETTING DISTRACTED BY SNACKS/TIK TOK/SNACKS?

Cancer.

Did you… try out a new fringe, perhaps?

Dye your hair? Try to pierce your own ear?

YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT IT THOUGH, AREN’T YOU.

Leo.

Did you download TikTok?

Create a YouTube account?

Commit to improving your Instagram content now that you have so much time to perfect your craft?

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Yep, classic Leo.

Virgo.

Let’s play a game.

Do you know how many cases of coronavirus there are right now in Australia?

How many stimulus packages has the government announced and how many are you eligible for?

What’s the trajectory of the virus’s movement looking like and are we on our way to flattening the curve?

What was the third word of the Prime Minister’s second sentence in his last announcement? Hmmm?

Been watching a lot of news, haven’t you?

Libra.

Have you, or have you not, racked up an embarrassingly large Deliveroo and/or Doritos bill?

Look, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

The economy has to keep ticking over somehow, and we thank you for your service.

Scorpio.

You are bloody loving this.

Nothing has changed. In fact, you’re enjoying that you have even less of a reason to feign your interest in interacting with other members of the human race.

Sagittarius.

You’re either clinging like a koala to your other house dwellers, or you’re… becoming creative when it comes to the company you keep.

Frank
Hello, my name is Frank. I like long walks around the apartment, I am currently watching 'Tiger King' on Netflix and omg, how fun is HouseParty.

Capricorn. 

You are... totally fine.

Which is very annoying for the rest of us.

Aquarius.

As previously mentioned, your Kokoda Track training is progressing positively.

Enough said.

Pisces. 

We suspect, and correct us if we're wrong, that you've taken up beading/painting/baking/knitting, singing and/or piano.

You've probably used the phrase, "I'm going to use this time to...." on more than one occasion, and look, Justin Bieber is also a Pisces and worth $285 million dollars, so just sayin'.

Happy creating.

What horoscope are you? Do you agree with our highly scientific analysis? Let us know in the comments below.

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