Image: Instagram Hotties Indy Clinton, Jen Hawkins and Lara Bingle.
It doesn’t matter which social media platform it is, there will always be a rising class of hot people who will try to run the joint. Instagram, the photo-sharing app which I formerly used for photos of my lunch, is now overrun with ultra-attractive people who post multiple selfies a day.
What fascinates me about Instagram Hotness is that it can be a complete illusion. I’ve met a few people over the years who have been friends-of-friends, who spend hours crafting their online profile. These guys and girls look stunning in every photo they post, whether on Instagram, Facebook or any other social media platform. But when I finally met them in real life, I sometimes didn’t recognise them at all.
I understand that you’d want to put your best face forward on social media, and the internet in general. But, I think there’s a difference between looking good online, compared to spending the majority of your time cultivating a false face and lifestyle on social media. It’s the disease of our generation. We put our heads down, gazing into our phones, so that our beautified faces can then beam out from screens around the world.
There’s definitely a formula to Instagram Hotness, whether it be a pose, a place or an overall look. Tiah Eckhardt Delaney, the Aussie model, writer and super genius babe, puts it best:
I got to thinking: if so many women are vying to be the next Instagram Hottie, then surely, there must be something good about it? I was intrigued to investigate whether I, an ordinary mum and non-model living in the suburbs, could become Instagram Hot through using glamorous locations and props, camera angles and techniques, and all the makeup I could cram onto my face.
Here’s a blow-by-blow account of my experiment, in which I used the tricks and techniques of some of our most beloved Instagram Hotties, in an attempt to become one of them. All of the photos were taken with my retro iPhone 4, and the “final” photos were edited using PicsArt.
1. Cover your face
One thing that Instagram Hot Girls love doing is occasionally covering their faces with their hair and hands. I suppose it adds mystery and emotion to the photo. Lara Bingle is fond of this, but it only makes me worry about her. What if she walks into a pole or something, because she can’t see? What if she can’t see her iPhone, and we never get to find out what she does with her hair next?
Maybe that’s why she won’t return my texts – it’s because she can’t see them. I sent her this poem, and maybe she didn’t like it:
I saw you once in Zara
You were wearing Balenciaga boots
Did you wear them at a photo shoot
Also, I don’t have her phone number, so there’s that. I just sent it to “Lara” in my phone, who is my high school friend, so I guess now that’s two people who haven’t texted me back.