The short answer: it depends on who you ask, but there are two schools of thought…
First school of thought: Be f*cking aware
God, it’s truly amazing how many people are off in la-la land while love-making. It’s enough to make a partner want to shake them.
Like “bruh! F*cking. Pay. Attention.”
And when you get someone who does, it’s like the best feeling in the world.
My current partner is probably the best sexual partner I’ve ever had — a true “lover” in the best meaning of the word.
To be honest, I tend to forget about the specifics of every previous partner pretty much as soon as I set them down and move on. But that being said, as far as I know: this guy pretty much kills it.
He doesn’t have any slick moves. He doesn’t have “a thing he does with his tongue” or “magical hands.” We don’t light candles or play music or start with an hour of oiled massage. We just have sex, plain and simple, and without doing anything “remarkable,” he makes it remarkably enjoyable.
He just pays attention. He’s aware. He responds when I raise my hips to meet his, and he slows down when I pull them back. (Real talk: is it not truly mind-blowing how many partners almost wilfully ignore you when you are all but trying to pull your pelvis down into the bed sheets to get away from whatever they’re doing? It’s especially remarkable when their face is in your groin and yet they’re still somehow utterly oblivious to the fact that they’re having to chase you into the mattress.)
Listen: Can you have sex WHILE a baby’s on the boob? Post continues after audio.
I’ve never felt that with this guy. He’s never on my hair. He’s never smothering my breathing with his shoulder. He knows when I actually want it harder or faster, and when I’m just play-asking and want to be teased. When I touch him, he understands whether to press back or move away. He never gets into some weird rhythm that sabotages my own, and when I’m nearing orgasm, I don’t have to tell him (but do anyway): boi, dontchu dare f*ckin change a thing.
He knows because he’s paying attention. He’s clued in. If he has any “signature move,” it’s “being aware.” And it’s total and absolute money-balls.
I often tell him how good he is, and I once asked him, “as a good lover, what would you chalk up ‘being a good lover’ to?” And he laughed awkwardly and then answered, “Uh, I don’t really see myself as a ‘good lover.’ I just try to pay attention and do my best.”
That. That right there is everything. That’s why he’s a good lover.