If you've tried to make your child’s life "perfect", there's something you should know.

Parents: Your belief that your child requires special protection against the rigours of the world, is making your child become a victim.

Almost all parents eagerly embrace strategies to support and encourage their child. But when it comes to strategies to overcome their child’s challenging behaviour or build their resilience, many are held back by fears or doubts.

I used to take a different approach when treating parenting problems in my private psychology practice. In the old days, when a parent told me their four-year-old would not follow their directions, or their teen would not do their homework, I would go straight into the positive parenting spiel.

First I would describe techniques for improving their relationship with their child and encouraging their child to do the things they didn’t want to do. Then in the second part of our treatment, I would give them the strategies a parent should undertake when their child refused to do things.

In my experience, parents lapped up the encouragement strategies, such as praising good behaviours and spending more time with their child.

But when I started the second part I’d notice an odd thing happen to some of my clients. A slight frown would contract their brow. Some would fold their arms. There were a few pursed lips.

When I explained strategies like having clear rules or being firm with their child, some clients would suddenly become teary or tell me the strategies were not going to suit their particular child.

And they often used the same phrase: ‘But Judith, you don’t understand’.

‘But Judith, you don’t understand’ was always followed by a confession of a past misdemeanour on the part of the parent, or an explanation of the fragility of the child.

These parents were often reluctant to divulge details of the wrongdoing they believed they had inflicted on their child. But through some delicate questioning, their supposed felonies would come tumbling out, often accompanied by tears.

Out they would pour: the birth was traumatic and they didn’t have a natural delivery; they had difficulty breastfeeding and missed that special time with their child; their postnatal depression meant they weren’t a good mother in the early weeks or months; they had to go back to work early because of financial difficulties and needed to put their child in childcare prematurely; they had to become a fly-in fly-out worker and missed their child’s first birthday; they tried but couldn’t have a sibling for their child who is now cursed with being an only child; they argued terribly in front of the child; they separated or divorced; their child lost one parent or a grandparent at an early age.

Some would report how difficult it was to have their child: they were on IVF for so long that when their child came along they felt so blessed and happy to be parents that the thought of being firm with their child would simply break their hearts. Some would report a difficult start to the child’s life: their child was very sickly in their first few months and they feel they didn’t bond well with them and need to make it up. Maybe they continue to think of their child as delicate.

Perhaps their child went through some sort of extreme danger and the parent is reluctant to be tough with them because they feel so fortunate just to have them in their lives.

Many of these parents are caught up in thoughts psychologists call cognitive distortions: exaggerated thought patterns that cause people to perceive reality in a negative manner. As psychologists, our job is to help clients see that these negative amplifications of the truth are having a detrimental impact on their view of the world and themselves.

To parents who have these thoughts and think I don’t understand, this is what I would say.

I do understand. I do understand that you wanted to bring up your child perfectly and you believe you have let your child down in some way. I do understand that this makes you feel terribly upset or terribly guilty.

I do understand that by giving them a perfect childhood of abundance you believe you are making up for your supposed wrongdoing or the terrible world they encountered.

I do understand that you love your child very much and that you want to make them as happy as they deserve to be. I do understand that you believe your child to be so fragile that you always want to show them the love and kindness they ought to have and ensure that others do the same.

That is what I understand. Now let’s talk about what I know.

I know the mistake you believe you have made is not the end of the world for your child. I know you or your child went through some sort of tricky time. I also know the experience was long ago, yet you act like it was yesterday. I know that dwelling on your supposed offence or your situation makes you lack confidence in your ability to give your child a good upbringing. I know you have this ability, but you are refusing to see it.

I know this next bit is even more important.

You need to let that past stuff go. It’s doing you no good, and doing your child even more harm.

Your belief that you may be some sort of perpetrator of wrongdoing, or that your child requires special protection against the rigours of the world, is making your child become a victim. And your child has so much more potential than you allow them when you label them the victim, the sickly one, or the poor kid.

You, too, are so much more accomplished than you allow yourself to be when you continue to focus on your one or two mistakes or past difficulties. You need to crank up that Ms Swift track and ‘Shake It Off’.

I know you have tried to make your child’s life perfect. And I know some of the practical parenting strategies in my book are going to be difficult for some of you, particularly if you lack confidence, or if your bonsai child is used to an upbringing which has shielded them from every potential challenge or disappointment.

But you are doing them no favours keeping them in their narrow pot with its controlled environment and its eternally perfect circumstances. There is a whole unpredictable but wonderful world of joy and challenge, which you are denying them.

Allow your child to start facing that world and you will give them the opportunity to develop genuine confidence and resilience.

Most importantly, you will show them you have confidence in them –and that is perhaps the most valuable gift a parent can give their child.

The Bonsai Child is available now. Order it at Book Depository, iBooks or Kindle.

Dr Judith Locke is a clinical psychologist and former teacher who specialises in parenting and child wellbeing. She delivers parenting sessions in schools around Australia through her training company, Confident and Capable®. Judith is the Director of her private psychology practice in Brisbane, and a Visiting Research Fellow at the Queensland University of Technology.