Warning, some not-so-serious satire ahead.
For women like me, there is one day in our lives that we look forward to more than anything else – no, it’s not the day a new season of a favourite Netflix series drops, or when our order from ASOS arrives, or even two-for-one mojitos at happy hour.
It’s that special day you are asked to be a bridesmaid (!!!). Being a bridesmaid is like being a princess for a day: amazing hair, beautiful dress, flawless makeup… it’s almost like actually getting married, right?
Here are my tips on how to make the most of being a bridesmaid.
Make it all about you
Get in early with suggestions for hair styles and bridesmaids dresses, the bride will JUST LOVE that you are being super helpful, but obviously you are merely going to be suggesting the styles that suit you the best. Do everything in your power to steer her away from the more exxy wedding dresses, so she will have more room in the budget for tiaras for the bridesmaids.
While you’re at it, making a habit of baking delicious cakes, or sending over chocolates to the bride and other bridesmaids can pay serious dividends, the more you can fatten them up, the skinnier you will look in comparison on the big day (just remember not to eat any yourself!). Don’t stress if the bride is opting for demure bridesmaids dresses, you can always get yours altered before the ceremony, shave a couple of inches of the hem and made to be a tad more busty, that way you’ll really stand out from the pack.
At the last minute, ditch the dull reading from Corinthians 13:4 you were given to read out at the ceremony and instead opt for an acapella version of a Taylor Swift song, everyone will really appreciate the break from all the boring religious stuff. Remember this is YOUR day to shine.
Throw the Hens night you always wanted
Unfortunately, you might not have total jurisdiction over all aspects of the wedding (what do you mean you don’t get to final say on the table runners? outrageous!), but the Hens night is the one thing that you have complete creative control over. Since the bride isn’t going to know what’s happening until it’s too late, this means you can go nuts planning your perfect night.
First of all, ‘forget’ to invite that bitch Melissa who didn’t like your last five selfies on Instagram (probably no one else likes her either, so you’re doing everyone a favour). And so what if the bride is being a total drag and attempting to enforce a ‘no strippers’ policy? It’s not really up to her. Even the most shy and retiring bride will get into naked gyrating men and karaoke after you force a few jager shots down her gullet. (Pro tip: the only thing better than one stripper? Two strippers!)
Listen: Should you send a singles list out with a wedding invitation? (Post continues…)
Disagree with unimportant things
Sure, your bride may have asked her sister to be her maid of honour out of some misplaced sense of family loyalty, but you know she secretly wanted it to be you. The best way to convey your true rank in the wedding hierarchy is by making everyone bows down to your ridiculous demands. Everybody agrees on the maroon bridesmaids dress? Chuck a tantie because you don’t like the drop waist.