A comprehensive guide on how not to be a bridesmaid.

Make it all about you

Get in early with suggestions for hair styles and bridesmaids dresses, the bride will JUST LOVE that you are being super helpful, but obviously you are merely going to be suggesting the styles that suit you the best. Do everything in your power to steer her away from the more exxy wedding dresses, so she will have more room in the budget for tiaras for the bridesmaids.

While you’re at it, making a habit of baking delicious cakes, or sending over chocolates to the bride and other bridesmaids can pay serious dividends, the more you can fatten them up, the skinnier you will look in comparison on the big day (just remember not to eat any yourself!). Don’t stress if the bride is opting for demure bridesmaids dresses, you can always get yours altered before the ceremony, shave a couple of inches of the hem and made to be a tad more busty, that way you’ll really stand out from the pack.

At the last minute, ditch the dull reading from Corinthians 13:4 you were given to read out at the ceremony and instead opt for an acapella version of a Taylor Swift song, everyone will really appreciate the break from all the boring religious stuff. Remember this is YOUR day to shine.

Throw the Hens night you always wanted

Unfortunately, you might not have total jurisdiction over all aspects of the wedding (what do you mean you don’t get to final say on the table runners? outrageous!), but the Hens night is the one thing that you have complete creative control over. Since the bride isn’t going to know what’s happening until it’s too late, this means you can go nuts planning your perfect night.

First of all, ‘forget’ to invite that bitch Melissa who didn’t like your last five selfies on Instagram (probably no one else likes her either, so you’re doing everyone a favour). And so what if the bride is being a total drag and attempting to enforce a ‘no strippers’ policy? It’s not really up to her. Even the most shy and retiring bride will get into naked gyrating men and karaoke after you force a few jager shots down her gullet. (Pro tip: the only thing better than one stripper? Two strippers!)

Listen: Should you send a singles list out with a wedding invitation? (Post continues…)

Disagree with unimportant things

Sure, your bride may have asked her sister to be her maid of honour out of some misplaced sense of family loyalty, but you know she secretly wanted it to be you. The best way to convey your true rank in the wedding hierarchy is by making everyone bows down to your ridiculous demands. Everybody agrees on the maroon bridesmaids dress? Chuck a tantie because you don’t like the drop waist.

Besides, green is more your colour (even if it makes the other bridesmaids look like Shrek). Insist on the whole wedding menu being gluten free because you’re yoga instructor told you that you are probably pre-celiac, but then bring in a bag of pretzels to snack on while everyone gets ready. Find a date that everyone is happy with for the Hens party, then book it for two weeks later, so that people have to cancel their plans. Essentially be as inconvenient as possible.

Compare with other weddings

Once you get to a certain age, you will find every weekend you have has been taken over by weddings (and all your spare dosh going on toasting other people finding their soulmate, while your cat won’t even give you the time of day). Whether it is an actual wedding you are attending, or a Hens do, bridal shower (what the eff is a bridal shower anyway?), or desperately searching for something to wear that will hide the burgeoning evidence of your doughnut addiction. You’ll go to so many that you won’t know who is marrying who or what # you are supposed to be using on social media; it will all just be an ivory coloured blur.

The upside to all of this, is that you will be able to inform your maritally inclined friend with some authority exactly where she is going wrong with her wedding planning. She’s thinking of plumping for the silver package? Well, make sure she knows that Susan coughed up for the platinum. And that off the shoulder mermaid tail dress that fits her like a dream? Jessica wore a near identical one, so she is going to have to return it or everyone will think she has gone single white female. Don’t forget to start a WhatsApp group with the other bridesmaids, so you can all mock how cheap the bride is being.

DRAAAAMMMMA

Everybody loves a bit of drama in their lives, whether that be from Ru Paul’s Drag Race, or who hooked up with who at the office Christmas party. Since the bride will be kept busy attempting to stop her liquored up great-aunt from making racist comments and having periodic meltdowns in between stress eating all the hors d’oeuvres, it will be left up to you to create some drama. The simplest route is usually just to sleep with a groomsman or an inappropriate relative (if you are really next level, you may have schtupped the groom). Other options include fainting because you haven’t been eating so that you can fit into your dress, or just flat out refusing to wear the hairdo you all agreed on months ago.

Whatever happens, make sure you enjoy yourself.

Get loose, dance up a storm, and embarrass as many people as possible in the speech. You’re a star baby, and it’s your night to sparkle.

When Emma is not forcing people to look at pictures of her dogs, she is putting down her ramblings for www.tinylovebug.com