CONTENT WARNING: I’m positively sure I’m meant to be putting some sort of content warning on this, I’m just at a loss as to what that might be. When shampoo and masturbation are put in the same sentence as part of the same act, I’m not sure if its you, the readers, or the poor bottles of shampoo that should be more alarmed.
When was the last time you looked around your house and thought, ‘yes, absolutely, that shampoo will help me masturbate with great ease! Never mind its hair-washing properties. This baby’s going straight to the
treasure pleasure chest.’
Aha! Then welcome. You’re in for a ride.
On Wednesday night on Triple M, the Tom and Olly radio show asked listeners to call in with their best homemade masturbation aides. You know, the ones you grab from around the house because heaven forbid you ever have to walk into a sex shop and buy your own.
And, um, there are a whole lot of mildly disturbed foods (yes, foods) and kitchen appliances that are quietly weeping in their pantries, perturbed and petrified after what they’ve endured.
These are just some. (Sorry in advance, I guess?)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ve said shampoo so many times in this piece your hair has just about washed itself, but really, this one is a great one (depending, of course on your definition of great).
In launching the segment, the radio show discussed the original example that launched the conversation: microwaved shampoo.
The theory goes that you heat up a portion of shampoo in the microwave and then proceed to “have a session” with it. So, there’s that.
This one is mainly for zee men, who may be partial to the odd banana. It involves cutting a single slit down the banana, retrieving the banana peel and putting that too in the microwave. (These poor, complicit microwaves.)
You can probably guess what the banana peel is meant to do when it comes out of the microwave. And if you can’t, well, I’m not explaining it.
One caller called into the show and said his “uncle” (like the time anyone calls into a radio show with a story about a “friend”) who considered himself quite the carpenter. So he made his wife a dildo out of some left over wood.
Madison Missina shares the household items you can use to spice up your sex life.
‘But splinters!’ you say. Never fear, Uncle Wooden Dildo varnished it first, of course.
Before long, Uncle Wooden Dildo’s wife was rushed to hospital. Turns out varnish and vaginas aren’t so compatible after all.
Yes, like the ones you light with fire. Except these ones light a fire in you. Joking. Kind of. Not really. Apparently.
Another caller phoned the show and said she loves to pleasure herself with the odd candle and let it melt and mould inside of her.
Then, when she’s finished with it, she gives it to her partner as a totally “unique gift”.
Birthdays have never been so fun.
Tissue boxes and… mince meat
I must preface, a listener called in with this one as merely a suggestion, not as a foolproof method. And while we’re here casting judgement (we’re not, I just decided to), it sounds like a terrible, ill-thought out suggestion at that.
Guys should grab a tissue box, he said, fill it with half-cooked mince meet and pop your, you know, thing in there. See how you go. And enjoy salmonella of the nether regions.
Sanders (no, not Bernie)
One listener said her friend likes to pitch a tent in his backyard, connect extension leads to two sanders (yes, like the ones you use to sand wood), wrap them in a towel and put them either side of his...penis.
And finally, one caller said he used to work in a cheese factory and I know you don't like where this is going.
The cheese used to come out "nice and warm" he said, and one day curiosity got the better of him, so I'll leave you with this quote to finish:
"I just grabbed a block, put a hole in it and off I went."
You can listen to the whole segment here.
Got a favourite masturbation aide of your own? Let us know about it in the comments section below.