Kids are a breeze right? Said pre-parent me.
What could be hard about such a small, sweet little creature who sleeps the whole time? What could be so hard about looking after someone who eats what they are given and does what they are told?
Parents are just whiners. When I have kids things will be done my way.
Yes, pre-parent me was a
sanctimonious fool little confused. She thought that having a baby was the hard bit and when they grew into an understanding, wise, rational being life would just get simpler. After all, your child loves you and just wants to make you happy right?
Pre-parent me is now the subject of much mirth and laughter. (Feel free to mock her.)
Here is just a taste of what pre-parent me thought would be a breeze when you had kids.
1. Feeding them.
How could that possible be difficult? Kids gotta eat right? If they are hungry they will devour the wholesome nutritious goodies I place in front of them in a neat and polite manner before thanking me and assisting me in tidying up.
Well, no. You see kids like to deliberately torture you with their dietary preferences:
- No food that touches on the plate.
- No food that’s mushy.
- No food that’s green.
- No food that swims in the sea.
2. Staying home for the day.
Ah the blissful existence of the mum or dad who simply stays home with the baby all day. All that extra time for workouts and baking those nutritious meals. All those long lengthy hours while the baby sleeps. Imagine the novels you could read - or write.
Imagine believing that complete and total garbage you told yourself before you had kids?
3. Getting them to sleep.
Sleep. Who doesn’t want to sleep? That soft comfy pillow, those cozy blankies, and when you are one metre tall you get to wear those super snuggly all-in-ones with built in feet.
Besides, that’s what babies do right? They just do their own thing for a little while you feed them. Then they snuggle up alone in their cot or pram and snooze the day away, leaving you free to watch cat videos on YouTube.
How could I have been so wrong?
4. Getting dressed.
Did I mention that pre-parent me had literally no experience with small children?
If anyone had told me how many times in eight years I could screech in an exasperated voice "PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW" I wouldn’t have believed them.
Children, unbeknownst to me before I had them, quite often have their own preferences in clothing. How it is worn, what body part it goes on and in fact, often as to whether it is worn at all.
5. Leaving the house.
Such a simple thing blown apart by a baby and a toddler thrown into the mix. It’s a case of three steps forward, two steps backward literally.
The second you think you are in the clear a nappy explodes. The minute that’s solved, a sweet little voice claims to be hungry. Once that’s dealt with you realise no one is wearing their shoes.
WATCH a comedian sums it up perfectly. Post continues after video.....
6. Teaching them personal hygiene.
This one was a logical thought process, after all humans are logical creatures. So surely a two-year-old could just be told once that the contents of a nappy was not for making mud pies with and just get it wouldn’t they?
7. Going for a walk.
You start at home and put one foot in front of the other until you have reached the coffee shop. You order a coffee and settle back and read the paper.
How was I to know that small children don’t just walk? They dawdle and stop and dig, they examine bugs and rocks and find treasurers. Their legs hurt and they want to be carried until they no longer hurt and they want to run and then they run and run and run.
8. Dealing with a tantruming toddler.
Just say no.
Now why didn’t that work?
9. Negotiating over homework.
They get home from school and take out their school books. After that, they have quietly packed away their lunch boxes and hung up their hats. Finally they sit down and do their homework.
Back to that logic thing. Why don't these sweet souls seem to have ANY? "If you do it now" I tell them over-and-over-and-over again, "it's done, then you don’t spend all afternoon moaning about it".
Why don’t you understand that?
Oh, because you are five. Right.
What did you think would be easy about kids before you had them that you have now realised was way off the mark?