Helpless. Confused. Distraught.
I’m writing this while I am having an anxiety attack. Because of that, you should probably excuse any typos or spelling mistakes — it’s hard to see the screen through the tears and my shaking hands are making it hard to type.
I’m typing this because I want to help you understand, or I want you to know you aren’t alone. Whichever camp you’re in- I hope this helps.
Tonight my anxiety attack began because I said something to a good friend which may have been misinterpreted.
Now she hasn’t replied to me for 43 minutes.
She may have gotten busy, and I know this deep in my heart, but all the irrational thoughts have overtaken and I’ve been bawling for 37 minutes.
That’s how quickly an anxiety attack can begin. My whole body is shaking; my system is being so overwhelmed and panicked that I can’t control it anymore.
I’m sobbing like a two-year-old having a tantrum. And that’s basically what this is — it’s a grown-up tantrum because my anxiety disorder basically makes me incapable of regulating my own emotions, kind of like a toddler.
This is a part of my life which unfortunately strikes me at any time. Usually if I’m at work or out, I can get myself distracted quickly enough to cope. When I’m at home, when I let myself relax — I can’t.
This is why I’m a workaholic who plays a lot of sports and tries to socialise a lot. That’s a common misconception — that people with anxiety disorders want to be at home all the time. And some do — people with agoraphobia really struggle with this. But others, like me, really need the distraction of the outside world in order to control their inner world.
It has been 46 minutes now.
I’m still sobbing, rocking like a baby and shaking so much it’s physically hurting me. This happens nearly every time. Unfortunately it won’t stop until I hear from her, or I fall asleep.
Anxiety shouldn’t control you life, but it does. Right now my entire body is so overwhelmed and scared and downright petrified that it is physically and mentally impossible for me to do anything else, or think of anything else.
I keep deleting sentences from this because they’re irrelevant to what I’m trying to say.