Radio host Harley Breen has advice for any man considering becoming a dad, ever.

Harley Breen is a stand-up comedian, radio host and dad of two young’uns. We asked him to tell us how he prepared for dad life, which to be honest, is near impossible. Over to you, Harley.

I’ve been asked to write about a man’s journey into fatherhood from my perspective, like I know anything about it. So here you go.

A man’s journey into fatherhood should start with a boy’s journey into manhood. But that’s a much bigger subject. Maybe give it a bit of consideration though. Are you a man? If you’re still a boy maybe hold off on making a baby just yet. Raising kids is the work of adult women and men. Not boys and girls. Sometimes it’s just one woman, sometimes there’s two of ’em. Sometimes it’s a man and a man.

The point is, if it takes a village to raise a child then the humans in charge of the village should be fully grown adults with a modicum of introspective reflection and emotional maturity.

Most men I would assume don’t do much thinking or talking about becoming a father at all. In fact I’d suggest there’s a large amount of men that pretty much go “oh, sweet I’m doing roots… oh bugger me, I’m having a kid”.

Here’s a list I should have given some/more consideration to before both my children came crashing into my life.

 

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Your fellow parent.

Women are essential in the baby making process. It’s almost impossible without one. I heard once of someone trying to make a baby in a sock but it didn’t take. After you have successfully found a mate (or someone to carry your baby), you should have a discussion about what your hopes and dreams are for your future, then see if you’re ready to set fire to them.

Children will hold your most precious goals in their tiny little hands and douse them with jet fuel and send them off a cliff in a fiery blaze.

I have no idea what you’re talking about.  via GIPHY

Look your companion in the eyes and imagine how you feel about each other after years of no sleep. Is there still admiration and love in there? There’s really no way to prepare for this. Point is, have the discussion. And then another one and another one and just keep talking… about everything… all the time.

Who’s your daddy?

A great step in becoming a father is knowing where you came from and what dysfunctions you may have learned/inherited. It’s quite possible you don’t know your dad very well. We’re a generation of men with multiple generations of absent fathers as our heritage. Your dad might have gone down the shops and never came back, or like me, your dad may have been great.

Whatever the case, spending time acknowledging where you come from will help with where you’re headed. Damn, that’s almost poetic. I’m not a professional, for more accurate discussions of this nature it’s best you read Steve Biddulph’s The New Manhood.

Dad bod.

Have a look at your general health and wellbeing. No-one really discusses this about men becoming dads. It’s frequently talked about with women becoming mums.They are the ones holding the flesh experiment in their bodies so it stands to reason that they look at increased health measures.

But being a dad, and becoming a dad in the first place, is tied to your health. 

The healthier men are going into this, the better prepared you will be for the gargantuan task ahead.

There's even Menevit - a male fertility supplement that is specifically formulated to help promote sperm health. Menevit contains antioxidants for sperm health and production, helping increase your chances of conception.

After all, this little life starts with you. The sperm is living, IT’S ALIVE! So of course the healthier you are the better version of “YOU” you will have to give.

Diet, exercise, emotional maturity.

What gets so often missed in your life is about to change – your body is about change, you will need to be fit and healthy to deal with the physical and emotional load that you’re about to be dumped with.

I’m not saying get rid of the Dad bod. I’ve got tits and a paunch and there’s no sign of them leaving anytime soon. Just saying the healthier you are the easier dad life will be.

 

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The root of it all.

Having the sex. I don’t need to talk you through this process. There’s some pretty basic ways this can happen. They should all start with free agreement, consent and then roots.

Nut punch.

Hit yourself in the testicles. You can skip this step, however it is going to happen, again and again and again… I don’t know how small children locate them with such accuracy.

It will happen while you sleep, when you’re walking, as you’re about to make a poignant point to a colleague. It’s as if they want to punish the things that brought them here. This is really just a heads up. You’re gonna get punched in the d*ck.

 

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Man up.

Find and locate great men in your life. The baby is about to come out. You’re going to be needed for all kids of support for your partner. She will not be as available for you. It might be your dad, your brothers, a group of mates that have already done this.

Whoever they are tell them you’d like to dump on them at some stage. This will be invaluable to you holding it together when days blur into nights and sleep is a distant idea.

Men can and want to be nurturing and kind and present. We can also smash tinnies and burn things. Having the right men around you when you start out on this journey will make a dramatic difference in how you grow as a dad. I could not have got this far as a farther without the men I have in my life.

Alternatively, forget all this advice, get drunk, have sex, hope for the best. What’s the worse that can happen? They’re only forever.