Gwyneth Paltrow wants you to put stones in your vagina for better sex.

You know all those times you thought oysters were the aphrodisiac you needed? Wrong.

Remember all the those times you were told it was chocolate or bananas or coffee that would keep your sex drive kicking? Wrong, again.

Fear not, because Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP has arrived and has all the solutions to any of your sex drive issues.

All you have to do is pop an egg up your vagina. Really! Poached, too.

I’m kidding. It’s a stone egg, of course, made from rose quartz or jade because your vagina deserves the very best and not those silly edible eggs I joked about.

If it’s not all coming together in a whirl of epiphanies and understanding, Paltrow explains it in her latest GOOP newsletter.

“The strictly guarded secret of Chinese royalty in antiquity – queens and concubines used them to stay in shape for emperors – jade eggs harness the power of energy work, crystal healing and a Kegel-like physical practice.

“Fans say regular use increases chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general.

Image via GOOP.

How are those epiphanies coming along now? I figured that would clear up confusion.

Your vagina, unfortunately, is storing too much negative energy, GOOP believes, proving to somehow have unprecedented access to the aura of all vaginas.

The newsletter interviews Iranian-American actress and blogger Shiva Rose, who has been “practicing” with the eggs for seven years and raves about the results.

“Sadly most people use [their womb] as a psychic trash bin, storing old or negative energy,” says Rose. “I see it as a place to celebrate ourselves as sexual, powerful beings, or as mothers, not a place to carry negative or un-dealt-with emotions.”

And naturally, the GOOP team was "so convinced" after trying them, they put them in the GOOP shop for you to buy.

To be fair, at a going rate of about AU$70, they are officially 300% cheaper than the other items GOOP wants you to buy.

So go forth and turn your vagina's frown upside down.