I have spent the past few weeks eating for Australia.
I have spared no expense while dedicating myself full time to my chosen pursuit. Throughout the holiday season I left no corner of my stomach unfilled by the deliciousness of ham, blue cheese, red wine, pavolva and dark chocolate Lindt balls.
But now it is January and I enter the new year sporting a small but certainly noticeable food baby. So, as any sensible person looking for a healthy way to lose weight would, I have turned to the internet for help. And boy have I found it.
Who knew there were so many options for someone looking for a way to stop eating Christmas leftovers? There are raspberry drops, detoxes involving pepper, people who refuse to eat anything white, people who only eat things that are white and I can apparently get a flat stomach and abs in only 10 days with no exercise. High five.
But then I came across this post-Christmas cleanse from Gwyneth Paltrow. It turns out that Paltrow – along with being Very Famous, married to someone Very Famous and Acting in Movies that are marketed on the basis she is Very Famous – is also a health and fitness guru. Her website Goop is full of exciting and *wonderful* tips and tricks to living a more Gwyneth-worthy life.
Gwyneth described her Winter Cleanse (it’s cold over in England and the US of A right now, remember) as “warming, filling and doesn’t feel like a sacrifice”.
Brilliant, I thought.
Just what I am looking for. A diet where I don’t have to give up eating anything I like (miniature almond Magnums, I’m looking at you) and I am not left feeling hungry when I’m trying to go to sleep.
But then I read the detox ‘menu’ and cast my eyes over the recipe lists for the items to be consumed.
And my eyes fell out of my head (does that count as weight loss? I reakon’ my eye balls weigh at least half a kilo).
This was not so much a diet as a starvation plan.
Gwyneth explains that: “Our winter detox has looser guidelines and restrictions than ones we’ve done in the past but here is what we’re avoiding: dairy, gluten, shellfish, anything processed (including all soy products), nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, peppers and eggplant), condiments, sugar, alcohol, caffeine and soda.”
Yeah, so much for the ‘doesn’t feel like sacrifice’ shiz Gwyneth was spinning earlier.
Let me take you through a sample day’s menu.
According to Gwynnie, you should kick start your metabolism with a cleansing glass of warm water with lemon upon waking. Delicious. Nothing get me psyched for the day ahead like sour lukewarm water with pips in it.
A cup of herbal tea.