rogue

Dear Lonely Guys: Stop having sex with food.

We seem to be in the throws of a disturbing internet trend:

Lonely dudes having sex with food.

First we had the guy who complained to Domino’s after burning his penis trying to have sex with a pizza. Now, we’re faced with the 18-year-old who was banned from Vine and Twitter after posting footage of himself having sex with a hot pocket.

A ham and cheese hot pocket, to be exact (we call them ‘pizza pockets’ in Oz, but you get the idea):

VERSACEPOPTARTS (probably not his real name), is just a dumb kid who’ll do anything for internet fame. He left high school not too long ago, and now he just tweets pictures and videos of himself doing crazy shit to try and get re-tweets.

Before he did the hot pocket business, he tweeted:

It didn’t take long for the target to be reached, so, he, um, did it:

In an interview with First We Feast, VERSACEPOPTARTS said that he just thought it was funny. When pressed for details on the logistics of the whole thing, he revealed:

Ah shit, dude. I tried doing it without a condom and it was just, like, way too hot. I put it in the fridge for a little bit and I was like, “Dude, I’m gonna have to use a condom if I’m gonna actually stick my dick in the whole Hot Pocket.”

So… Yeah. At least he was responsible enough to use birth control. And he generously gave the following advice on hot pocket fornication:

Yeah, I would definitely recommend it, if you’re lonely. I wouldn’t recommend putting it on Vine, but I’d recommend fuckin’ a Hot Pocket probably. It wasn’t bad. It’s messy, though.

We’re going to go ahead and counter his advice with our own advice:

Dear Lonely Guys: Stop having sex with food.

Just stop.

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