Hi, my name is Kelly and I perpetually look about four to six months pregnant.
Not because I am, but instead it's because my gut likes to play a little game on me most days.
Not a fun game, mind you, more like the sadistic game that the creepy doll riding a bike likes to play in the Saw movie franchise.
The kind of game that involves cramps and bloating at the most inopportune moments, when you're just trying to get on with your life.
People that don't suffer from the dreaded bloat and subsequent tummy issues don't understand just how debilitating it can be. It's all fun and games until you're nervous to go on dates, or to job interviews or celebratory lunches.
Some of us deal with it by avoiding different foods or eatingNutra-Life Gut Relief is my go-to) so I don't need to worry as much about the bloat.probiotic-rich foods like kimchi. I personally like to take a gut health supplement (
If you also suffer from the 'is she/isn't she pregnant' bloat, you'll be able to relate to at least 60 per cent of the below...
1. A relative or family friend has congratulated you on the non-existent baby apparently growing in your gut at least once.
It's not a fetus - it's food. And that's rude to assume anyway, right?
Phew. via GIPHY
2. You've definitely had to cancel on your friends because you're at home hugging a pillow in pain.
You also wouldn't want to go out given you look like you're hiding a stolen melon under your shirt.
Don't mind me, just suffering in silence over here, you all have fun.
3. You've never ONCE eaten on a first date.
In fact, your partners have potentially thought you had problems with food for the first few months, given you actively avoided most food around them in fear of any games that creepy doll might want to play. There's nothing less sexy than having Jim Carrey mating noises coming from your gut.
An accurate representation of how my gut feels. via GIPHY
4. You're constantly trying to squeeze unsexy ingredients like sauerkraut into your meals.
When your friends tell you to 'bring a plate' and you decide that cabbage will work better for your bloat... even if it smells like a garbage can.
Deeeeeelicious. via GIPHY
5. You wish retailers would take people who actually LIKE having the bottom of their shirt still attached into consideration when releasing new ranges.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY CROP TOPS!?
6. Your tummy can go from tight to tootin' in the time it takes you to finish that gassy beverage.
One minute you’re Em Rata, the next, more Homer Simpson vibes.
7. You've curled up in ball after finally releasing yourself from tight clothes.
Off go the clothes after wearing something tight, your body in agony as your tummy is finally free to expand to its natural bloat.