I’m sorry, but sex is gross. And we need to talk about it.
No one ever acknowledges just how gross it is, so this week in the Mamamia office, I opened up the floor: What’s the grossest thing that’s ever happened to you during sex?
And OH. MY. GOD.
Ladies (and three gentlemen), pls.
It was as though everyone had been holding in these horror stories their entire lives, and finally had the opportunity to share them in a safe environment. Which I would then use to write a story for the internet which literally anyone can read.
There were banjo strings. There was... poo. There were misplaced condoms that ended up... in vaginas. Sometimes for days.
Nothing was sacred and absolutely nothing was OK. This is how the conversation went down (names have been changed for anonymity):
Kim: "My period started midway through sex (obviously), and by the time we noticed the bed looked like a Jackson Pollock artwork. It was EXTREME."
Me: "Oh yes, always. It always comes."
Melanie: "This one time I sneezed, and his dick shot out so fast I was sure I broke it."
Me: "Surely... you did. That's a thing."
Bella: "One word: CRABS."
Monica: "This one time I got lock jaw."
Nina: "Oh, one time I vomited straight afterwards. I like crawled off the bed and straight to the toilet and spewed."
Kim: "I had someone vomit on me during sex and then ask if they could finish. I said no."
Sarah: "IT WAS JUST ONE TIME but anal... never again."
Listen: Madison and Carla discuss the obsession men have with anal sex. Post continues after audio.
Penny: "During oral, by him dribbling. SOOOOOO DISGUSTING! I feel it running onto the bed."
Penny: "...And he took a tampon out to have sex with me. ONLY sexy in 50 Shades, and then just barely."
Penny: "Another time I wasn't wet enough and he spat on me as lube. AS LUBE!"
Me: "Oh my God."
Sarah: "When he hasn't eaten pineapples all week."
Rose: "A friend was camping and accidentally grabbed toothpaste instead of lube."
Jill: "My friend forgot about her tampon for like a month and the doctor had to pull it out. She couldn't figure out why she smelled so bad."
Bella: "Broken banjo string/straps........"
Me: "What... what's a banjo string?"
Bella: "You'll know it when you break it."
Me: "TELL ME"
Bella: "On the penis, that thin ridge of skin connecting the foreskin to the helmet. It was an accident and I nearly vomited for a week straight."
Jill: "Once we were having sex and it hurt but I was like, damn it hurts again, and turns out I'd forgotten to take out a tampon and he'd pounded it right up there. But I'm pretty talented and sort of birthed it by bearing down over the toilet. I still feel I should have been given some kind of survivors award for that one."
Garrett: "A friend of mine walked into his flatmate's bedroom and saw poo all over the bedpost. Conclusions were made."
Jill: "Do not kiss me after you have eaten garlic prawns. Do not cum anywhere near me when you have eaten garlic prawns. Do not even touch me after you have eaten garlic prawns."
Lee: "I had the biggest vagina fart of all time during sex once. Like it actually sounded like a freight train going through the room. I was genuinely confused of the source."