Image: Mia with her smoothie.
I’ve written here before how I’ve become one of those insufferable people who drinks green smoothies every day for breakfast. Every day. Even weekends. Sometimes at work in front of my colleagues.
Working as I do with 60 women and sharing as I have, images of my green
smuggie smoothie on social media occasionally, I’ve been fielding a lot of questions about WHAT THE HELL IS IN THAT THING.
I’m so glad you asked.
I have become quite the evangelist about my green smoothies and over the year or more I've been drinking them, I've acquired rather a large amount of knowledge about what makes them work.
It would be my great pleasure to share that knowledge with you now. Here are some important things to remember before we begin.
1. Rubber bands have no nutritional value.
I'd like to say there was this one time where I accidentally blended the rubber band holding together a bunch of kale into my smoothie. But there was more than one time. I've done this many times. Try to avoid it where possible. Sticks in your throat.
2. Ditto those little sachets of silicon that comes in the containers of dry ingredients to keep them fresh.
You know, the ones that say "DO NOT EAT" and you laugh at the stupid warning because what idiot would try to eat a tiny bag of chemical grit?
The first time I did this, I told my husband because he is the one who always reassures me when I'm freaking out about something health-related. Like last week when I kept getting numb toes when I exercised and I was worried I might have MS. He suggested my new trainers might be tied up too tight, and you know what? HE WAS RIGHT.
Except when I told him about the silica sachet, he went a bit pale because he'd drunk the smoothie that day too. "Jesus, babe! I noticed the grit. But I thought it was because you hadn't washed the kale properly and it was dirt," he said. "Oh shit. I think that silica is poisonous."
Since that wasn't quite the reassurance I was looking for, I immediately called the poisons information centre - 131126 - a number I'd forced myself to memorise when my children were small and exploring their environment by trying to ingest everything in it.
The lady actually laughed at me. This was more reassuring than shouting for me to call an ambulance. When she regained her ability to speak, she asked for a few more details which I was happy to provide. "It was in the packet of Chia seeds and the silica must have fallen into the blender and now I've drunk it and do I need my stomach pumped?"
Apparently I didn't. She said it wasn't actually poisonous in small quantities like that and that my body would just eliminate it naturally without absorbing anything. Because it was, essentially, tiny bits of rock and there was nothing to absorb.
OK. So onto the ingredients. I can't really give you exact measurements. I'm sorry about that because whenever I read someone saying that I get the shits. What does a HANDFUL MEAN, ANYWAY? WHOSE HAND? WHAT IF I HAVE A SMALL HAND? WILL THAT FUCK EVERYTHING UP?
The answer here is no. It's not like baking where you have to be precise. What tastes good to me may well taste like grass clippings to you. And what tastes like grass clippings to you the first time you have a green smoothie, may well taste like a delicious chocolate milkshake when you've acclimatised your tastebuds.