13 ways to have great sex after 40 years of marriage.

“Married sex is an oxymoron,” says the comedian and everyone laughs – except me.

I am a private person when it comes to sex, but I am so tired of that old joke that I want to stand up and say, no, married sex is mind-blowingly good. I’m blushing as I write that, and worried about embarrassing my sons, but now that I’ve begun I may as well add, I’ve been married to the same person for 40 years and the sex is still often ‘mind floating off its moorings’ wonderful.

Fabulous sex is always presented as the domain of the young, gorgeous and single and it’s just plain uncool for anyone else to mention it, but the truth is, there is no necessary correlation between good sex and youth, beauty or singleness.

After 40 years of sex with one person, neither of us young anymore and certainly not so beautiful, I feel somewhat qualified to offer this small easy-to-put-on-the-fridge guide to brilliant sex in a long marriage.

But first, my entire ‘guide to great sex’ assumes you fancy each other in the first place and you both have a reasonably functioning libido. It’s not a cure-all for relationship or health problems. I don’t suggest any techniques or positions, it’s not backed up by research - and you’ve probably heard it all before, but perhaps not from a woman of ‘a certain age’.

1. Starting with the obvious - be good to each other.

Good sex needs both tension and trust; the trust comes from treating each other as the best person in the whole world. Feeling fabulous about yourself has got to be a good start to great sex.

2. Be bad with each other – create tension.

Read and watch erotica together, brush past each other in the kitchen even when there’s plenty of room, stand hip-to-hip in the furniture shop, stroke the palm of each other’s hands at the movies, kiss at the traffic lights. Make young people squirm.

Listen to Debrief Daily's podcast on the female libido below. Post continues after. 

3. Go to bed.

Lie about together, a lot. Instead of a chat in the lounge-room, lie down together to have that householder talk. Bodies lying together inevitably get other ideas even if you are talking about bills or the new extension.

4. Don’t go to bed.

Try it on sofas, up against doors, on verandas, on beaches (quiet beaches), against a tree, in a swimming pool at night, in the bathroom, on a balcony, on the floor. Beds are more comfy, but the quick and the dangerous has much to recommend it.

5. Don’t take it too seriously.

Be playful. It might mean games and toys, or fantasies, or it might mean just laughing and fooling about trying different positions. Unless it’s art-directed, sex looks silly, so forget about it looking like a scene in a movie.

6. Take it very seriously.

That is, put it at the centre of your relationship along with loving friendship. Remember the adage ‘Whatever is cultivated, grows’ – cultivate a sexual attitude, consciously relate to each other as sexual beings.

7. Don’t expect anything.

I mean, don’t plan for a great sexual event. Somehow sex does not respond well to programming. Agree to lie about on the couch, or on the bed, or in front of the fire, and let whatever happens, happen.

8. Change the time.

At the end of the day the brain, the major sex organ, is often busy sorting out the day and has no time for that kind of nonsense. Try afternoons instead – meet for lunch then just go home for the afternoon – works every time.

9. Talk about it.

What you like, what you don’t like, but do it afterwards, long afterwards, say the next day and gently. Who wants their technique criticised in the heat of the moment. Practically demonstrate what you like and don’t like and off you go again...

10 .When you really don’t feel like it, say no with lots of kisses.

Cold shoulders breed hurt and anger. When you really do feel like it and the other person doesn’t, give lots of kisses – on the shoulder if nothing else is available. (These two sound like 1950s ‘be nice advice’ and maybe they are, but they work).

11. Don’t use kids or work stress as an excuse for not having sex.

Lie in each other’s arms and talk about whatever ails you until you feel your bodies talking to each other. And when kids and work are both gone, lie in each other’s arms and do the same again.

12. Have a weekend away, but travel separately.

Meeting up at an hotel in another city is one of the sexiest things ever. Or if you can’t get away, sneak away from work and meet up. It feels illicit and so creates just the right degree of tension.

13. Finally, let sex be whatever it is for that time.

Sex is not necessarily an expression of love. Sometimes it’s to say sorry, sometimes it’s just to please, sometimes, perhaps often, sex is just sex. Like food, it is often totally delicious; at other times just a good home-cooked meal, and, on occasion, a dodgy takeaway. Don’t worry, and don’t accuse, you can have another go, soon.

Like this? Why not try ...

The one trick for better sex. (Warning: It’s not very sexy).

The (many) differences between home sex and movie sex.

How many sexual partners should I have had by the time I’m 50?

Married-people sex: When the best intentions go wrong.