Scared of bread? Forget what pasta/pizza/anything wheaten and delicious tastes like? I feel ya…
1. You know the ingredients of every product stocked at your local supermarket.
No whipping quickly around the aisles for you. Every ingredient panel must be carefully examined (BYO microscope) before a product is allowed to enter your basket.
2. Buscopan is your lifeblood. You would never, ever leave the house without it. Ever.
The one time you did, someone legitimately thought you were in the third trimester of your pregnancy. Cue awkward conversation.
3. And on bloating… you can count the number of times you haven’t been bloated post-meal on one hand.
Not fun. Not cute.
4. It takes you 20 minutes to decipher the menu at a restaurant you haven’t been to before (and that’s after an hour spent Googling the menu beforehand).
Your friends now know they should probably have a pre-dinner snack before dining with you.
5. Waiters hate your guts.
I promise we aren’t doing it to be difficult.
6. You are in real danger of slapping the next person who says, “Go on, just have one slice of cake… it won’t kill you.”
“Hey buddy, why don’t you have a shot of the world’s hottest chilli sauce? Go on, it won’t kill you…” (It'll just cause extreme pain and discomfort for hours.)
7. You might cry the next time you have to tell someone: no, rice and potatoes don’t have gluten in them.
Legitimate tears of frustration.
8. Bakeries are your oppressor… they smell SO good, but are deadly, deadly torture chambers.
Take your sourdough and shove it in some orifice.
9. Your friends think your favourite food is salad.
Your long affair with chicken and lettuce is based on necessity, not love.
Speaking of chicken, Matt Moran has some secrets to whip-up a brilliant one. Post continues after audio.
10. You know soy sauce is a silent killer.
11. Free cupcakes/donuts/cakes/biscuits/scrolls/croissants/slices/muffins (you get the picture) in the office make you shed a small tear.
There was that one time your office got sent gluten-free brownies. Best. Day. Of. All. Time.
12. Oktoberfest = :-(
No beers for you.
13. You are the snack queen. If anyone wants an almond/dried fruit/gluten-free bar… you’re their girl.
Better to be safe than sorry. Starving isn’t fun.
14. You know that some foods that realllly should be gluten-free, actually aren’t.
Sausages, I’m looking at you.
15. You spend waaaaaaaay too much money on food.
It’s like gluten-free muesli has flecks of gold in it.
16. Your grandparents/older relatives can’t wrap their head around your intolerance – you break Nana’s heart every time you tell her you can’t have her homemade scones.
It breaks my heart too, Nana.
17. High-tea = worst nightmare.
“Let them eat cake.” (And then be violently ill for hours.)
18. You feel strangely, spiritually bonded to every other sufferer.
“You can’t eat gluten either? Let’s be BFFs and shower each other in rice crackers.”
19. You have drunk a LOT of vodka in your time.
One might even call you a connoisseur.
20. If someone at a dinner party makes a special gluten-free dish for you, you feel like you have to eat the entire thing (even if it’s enough for 10 humans) because you’re just so grateful they went to the effort.
“Of course I will eat my 15th plate of quinoa salad.”
21. And although you don’t enjoy overeating, you get shitty if someone tries to take your GF food.
You guys stick to your cous cous, we’ll stick to our quinoa.
22. You can recall the brand name of every gluten-free bread available in Australia.
23. When you discovered gluten-free banana bread is actually really delicious, you wept with joy.
Salty, satisfied tears.
24. Hey world, gluten-free doesn’t necessarily mean healthy. Jot that down please, kthx.
We are not just trying to be health nuts - it’s a disease, people.
25. You’re BFFs with your gut, you know it’s every move.
It’s a real love/hate relationship.
26. It’s like winning a lifetime’s supply of free chocolate when you discover a cool, new restaurant has a gluten-free menu.
THIS IS LIVING.
27. You’re pretty damn handy with corn/rice/coconut flour.
The things you can do…!
Do you have any problems to add?