It’s been 391 days since you left. That’s 391 mornings of waking up with a knot in my stomach that I’ve now realised will probably never go away. Some days it takes it takes a little while to hit. You have those few moments of ignorant bliss before your mind catches up and reminds you your life has been indelibly changed.
It’s funny when I say that to people, that my life has completely changed over the past year. Most people think that’s since The Bachelorette, because I’ve moved cities, changed jobs, got a boyfriend and have become more recognisable when I walk down the street. And of course those things are new and different too. But it’s the gaping hole you have left that I really mean when I say my life’s changed, because that’s the one thing I know I will never, ever get used to.
It’s amazing how one year can feel so long and so short all at once. 365 mornings waking up with a knot in my stomach. Of not having you in the year I’ve needed you the most. 365 days without my best friend. There is nothing I wouldn’t give to have you back for just one day. I love you and miss you more than words ???? #fuckcancer
Everyone tells you it never gets easier. But the one thing I was never warned about is that it actually gets so much harder.
There’s so much I wish I could change, Mum. And you know better than anyone that’s not a sentence I would have ever said a year ago. I’m not someone who has ever lived with regrets or wanted to change anything. I take every hurdle in life as a simple speed bump. Every knock an experience. Every blindside a lesson.
Losing you is the one thing I can’t find a positive in. I’ve tried to look for the lesson it’s given me but I just can’t see it. People have told me it’s made me stronger but I disagree. I feel the exact opposite. In losing you I lost my strength, my rock, the glue holding me and our family together. With you, I always knew there was someone who’d have my back through absolutely anything but I don’t have that anymore.
Listen: Georgia Love on finding Lee, losing her mum and dealing with the paparazzi. (Post continues…)
Of course I am very lucky to have so many others in my life who show me love and support every day and I would never want them to think I don’t value and love them to the enth degree. But they’re not you. The unconditional, maternal, has-been-through-literally-everything-with-me love doesn’t exist in anyone else. And the realisation I have lost that forever stings me to my absolute core.