I just finished watching the penultimate episode of Bake Off an hour ago, and I CAN’T EVEN. I have just emotionally eaten my way through the fridge and I’m about to start on the pantry because TBH, I EAT MY FEELINGS and right now THERE ARE TOO MANY.
Someone gets eliminated in a twist, guys. Not the kind of Bakers Delight Apricot Twist that you embrace with joy and cups of tea. This is a twist bigger than “I see dead people” or “I’m Keyser Söze”. More shocking than Maggie Beer having too many sherry’s and blurting out “actually I just MADE up the name verjuice and it means nothing”.
But first, let’s recap.
There are just two facts you need to know at this point:
1. There are FOUR bakers left.
There’s Sian, a fashion design student whose impossibly beautiful baking would look at home in the pages of Vogue Magazine. There’s Suzy, the moussey-haired Greek mumma type who throws edible glitter upon every morsel, and who last week stopped what she was doing to HELP all the other contestants make their filo pastry. There’s Angela, who is the type of cook that this country was built on: thousands of blue ribbons in her armory, a salt-of-the-earth, no-nonsense attitude and the type of baking I ADORE, and then there’s Jasmin, a barista. She’s British.
2. This week, the brief is “Classics.”
Remember that. That will come in handy later on.
It’s Donuts. Jasmin is working on subliminal messaging.
It’s a tricky one for the judges because can there ever BE a bad donut? From fat glazed country bakery ones to the cinnamon multi-pack at the shops, donuts are king.
All four bakers do a bang up job. Sian makes a liquorice donut that looks like the kind of thing you’d pay exorbitant money for in a Melbourne laneway cafe. The judges spend most of the time laughing about how Maggie pronounces Liquorice, which she says as “Licorise”.
“All my life I’ve called it that!” she exclaims, and everyone laughs, and I secretly wonder if she thinks Liquorice is Licorice, is verjuice just vinegar pronounced in a Maggie way?
The judges were tough on Angela’s lemon donuts. “A bit doughy” said Maggie, as if that’s a bad thing. Suzy’s wins them over with her walnut and honey balls, insert joke here about the judges loving having Suzy’s balls in their mouth. And then when it comes to Jasmin, the judges have their adoption papers ready to sign.
“They look amazing, really elegant,” says Matt, in a historical first.
A donut has just been described as ‘elegant’.
This weeks it’s Matt’s turn and he demands a flawless passionfruit tart. Crunchy pastry, glazed finish, slight wobble in the middle; tricky tricky tricky.
It’s all going along fine (they’re all completely brilliant bakers) when suddenly Sian forgets to put her oven mitt on and just reaches into the oven to pull out her tart WITH HER BARE HANDS. Have we gone Bear Grylls, Bake Off? Will Ronda Rousey burst in and start punching dough too? This is the fiercest final EVER.
Sadly, Sian is NOT Bear Grylls nor Rhonda Rousey and she burns the effing eff out of her hand, to the point where she’s not able to actually use her hand to bake. AND THIS BEING THE SEMI-FINAL, I’m like “She is SO done right now. She’s going home for sure”.