I just finished watching the penultimate episode of Bake Off an hour ago, and I CAN’T EVEN. I have just emotionally eaten my way through the fridge and I’m about to start on the pantry because TBH, I EAT MY FEELINGS and right now THERE ARE TOO MANY.

Someone gets eliminated in a twist, guys. Not the kind of Bakers Delight Apricot Twist that you embrace with joy and cups of tea. This is a twist bigger than “I see dead people” or “I’m Keyser Söze”. More shocking than Maggie Beer having too many sherry’s and blurting out “actually I just MADE up the name verjuice and it means nothing”.

But first, let’s recap.

There are just two facts you need to know at this point:

1. There are FOUR bakers left.

There’s Sian, a fashion design student whose impossibly beautiful baking would look at home in the pages of Vogue Magazine. There’s Suzy, the moussey-haired Greek mumma type who throws edible glitter upon every morsel, and who last week stopped what she was doing to HELP all the other contestants make their filo pastry. There’s Angela, who is the type of cook that this country was built on: thousands of blue ribbons in her armory, a salt-of-the-earth, no-nonsense attitude and the type of baking I ADORE,  and then there’s Jasmin, a barista. She’s British.

 2. This week, the brief is “Classics.”

Remember that. That will come in handy later on.

SIGNATURE BAKE!

It’s Donuts. Jasmin is working on subliminal messaging.

It’s a tricky one for the judges because can there ever BE a bad donut? From fat glazed country bakery ones to the cinnamon multi-pack at the shops, donuts are king.

All four bakers do a bang up job.  Sian makes a liquorice donut that looks like the kind of thing you’d pay exorbitant money for in a Melbourne laneway cafe. The judges spend most of the time laughing about how Maggie pronounces Liquorice, which she says as “Licorise”.

“All my life I’ve called it that!” she exclaims, and everyone laughs, and I secretly wonder if she thinks Liquorice is Licorice, is verjuice just vinegar pronounced in a Maggie way?

The judges were tough on Angela’s lemon donuts. “A bit doughy” said Maggie, as if that’s a bad thing. Suzy’s wins them over with her walnut and honey balls, insert joke here about the judges loving having Suzy’s balls in their mouth.  And then when it comes to Jasmin, the judges have their adoption papers ready to sign.

“They look amazing, really elegant,” says Matt, in a historical first.

A donut has just been described as ‘elegant’.

TECHNICAL BAKE!

This weeks it’s Matt’s turn and he demands a flawless passionfruit tart. Crunchy pastry, glazed finish, slight wobble in the middle; tricky tricky tricky.

It’s all going along fine (they’re all completely brilliant bakers) when suddenly Sian forgets to put her oven mitt on and just reaches into the oven to pull out her tart WITH HER BARE HANDS.  Have we gone Bear Grylls, Bake Off? Will Ronda Rousey burst in and start punching dough too? This is the fiercest final EVER.

Sadly, Sian is NOT Bear Grylls nor Rhonda Rousey and she burns the effing eff out of her hand, to the point where she’s not able to actually use her hand to bake.  AND THIS BEING THE SEMI-FINAL, I’m like “She is SO done right now. She’s going home for sure”.

But then

LOOK AT THIS:

LOOK AT THIS:

LOOK AT THIS:

Angela rubs her on the back and soothes her.  Suzy pours her curd.  Someone runs her hand under water. Everyone pitches in to help. Everyone, that is, except *cough* Jasmin *cough.*

These women are pitted against each other here, in a semi-final and instead of ignoring Sian’s plight, they help. THIS IS THE GREATEST SHOW ever. It’s like four women in a nunnery, baking away, like something out of  The Sound Of Music and I half expect them to don curtains and start singing “tea and jam, jam, tea and jam.”

That’s what sugar does to you, people. That’s what the smell of a tart baking does to your life. IT MAKES YOU A BETTER PERSON.

Sian has a small teary as she runs her blistered hand under water. “WHO CRIES OVER A TART?” she laughs. tough as nails.  And I think “I just did, Sian, because that’s about the best thing I’ve seen on a cooking show.”

The bakers plate up, one handed Sian gets her tart up, and they all look beautiful except for Jasmin’s whose is a dogs breakfast. She tries to hide it with some icing sugar sprinkled on top but it’s like rolling a turd in glitter.

The judges decree that it’s Angela whose tart is “perfection”. They use the word “beautiful” FIVE times, just to ram home how flawless it is.  Sian and Suzy come in the middle, and then Jasmin bombs out with a tart that is “ugly, undercooked and soggy”, without a glazed finish.

At this point we are reminded that all the contestants are neck and neck, which they’re not really, because things aren’t looking so hot for Jasmin after that ugly tart, and also, they need to award secret showmanship points to Angela and Suzy for helping out one-handed Sian.

SHOWSTOPPER.

Wait, but first, we are reminded of the score card:

EVEN ALL ROUND.

The judges are agonising over the even-ness of the competition which is strange since Jasmin’s turd tart was not a minute ago, right in front of them.

SHOW STOPPER FOR REALS.

It’s a high tea! The bakers must plate up three different items, one of which must be an Australian themed bake. They have the rulers out, and all of them go like the clappers for four hours in what is some outrageously skilled baking.

Four focussed bakers  It’s rulers out. Floor plans laid. Extra helpers recruited. Crafting and stirring in a harem of happiness.

Sian’s salted caramel opera cake and raspberry and grapefruit tarts are incredible. The judges just about take their clothes off and do a nudie run for the joy it sparks. Sian, I’ve decided, is the fashionista of baking. If you are reading this, please move to Melbourne and open a cafe with lots of glass cabinets so we can press our grubby noses up to them and imagine ourselves wearing your things all over our insides.

Suzy’s Baklava, Lemon and Basil tarts, almond biscuits and then an orange cake lamington with passionfruit jam also gets a rousing reception. That’s FOUR things Suzy, you only need to make three, you cheeky permed monkey. It’s likely she was thinking of the crew when she was baking, ensuring everyone on set had enough to eat.

Jasmin’s chocolate slice, strawberry and hibiscus tartlets and a mini pav with Anzac biscuit crumb all look ok. She has to remake the sponges and the tarts and it’s all a bit hectic but at the end it’s the mini sponges she makes that melt my heart. ADORABLE.

Blue-ribbon Angela has to back the truck in to plate up her goods: she’s done FIVE different things in a showstopping tower of heaven. Lemon myrtle and wattle seed scones, coffee and macadamia nut lamington, raspberry ginger tarts, yoyos and melting moments. I almost cry with happiness to see scones, lammos and melting moments on one plate. FIVE tiny beautiful treats done with an air of calm, control, and country goodness.

JUDGING TIME!

Sian gets star baker for three flawless bakes including her one-handed passionfruit tart. She is a force, this woman. Style and flavour. Her flavour combinations are so advanced and her baking is so beautiful it’s hard to believe she’s not Adriano Zumbo in a long wig and some lippy.

And going home? I ready myself for it to be Jasmin. I mean, in such an even competition, to come last with an ugly turd technical bake surely means death.

But no.

It’s ANGELA.

Blue ribbon Angela.

Angela, who MAY I REMIND YOU just WON the technical bake. Angela who just made FIVE CLASSIC high tea items in the “classic” episode. ANGELA who stopped what she was doing to help another contestant with a burnt hand.

ANGELA.

NO.

THIS IS BULLSHIT.

I DO NOT AGREE WITH THIS. I’m sorry everyone but Angela not only had a good week but she is the epitome of The Great Australian Bake Off. Week after week it’s sausage rolls, SCONES, lamingtons, apple pies. Baking is her life. Baking is her dream. Baking is her JAM.

WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO LEAVE THIS SHOW?

IT IS SO UNFAIR I HATE THIS.

Angela’s light has gone out. She has left the Bake Off mansion. She is voted off the baking island. Her oven light is extinguished. The Bake Off blue ribbon will not be hers.

Hand me another biscuit, someone.  I can’t cope.

Who do you think should have gone home?

Here are all the showstopper bakes from this episode: