ABOUT BLOODY TIME.
We’re stuffed around for so long, guys. We’ve had fancy patterns in cakes, itty bitty biscuits and fancy French choux. But as the 9 remaining bakers walk into the bakeoff shed tent, finally, they’re baking for STRAYAAAAAA.
Because it’s PIE WEEK.
Australians eat 270 million pies a year so I can’t BELIEVE it’s taken four weeks for the bakers to worship at the altar of this national dish. They’re given two hours to make six identical pies and no one even makes a Life of Pi joke, or even calls Matt Moran the Lord Of The Pies and I’m sad, because that’s a missed pun opportunity if ever I’ve seen one.
But, the bakers don’t disappoint. There are chicken, ham, bacon, pork, mushroom and beef pie, and they all need to get in my pie hole. Stat.
Early-frontrunner-and- easily-in-the-final-two-Jasmin is making a pork pie with a hidden quail egg in the middle. “How will you get the quail yolk to sit in the middle of the egg?” Says Maggie, while Jasmin looks at her blankly. “It’s a trick question.”
Here’s a trick question for YOU, Maggie. What’s the best thing to put in a pie? Your teeth. LOL.
But the GLARING oversight is the lack of tomato sauce. Comedian Mel Buttle does the rightful, honorable, AUSTRALIAN thing of questioning it. Buttle sidles up to Angela’s steaming hot country pies and fantasises about ripping the lid off and put a shitbomb of sauce in that thing.
BUT, to my SHOCK. Angela tells her that’s NOT the way to do things.
“It’s a bit bogan,” she says.
Luckily for her, judges don’t see this infraction. But I’m shocked. Angela? You’re a country baker. You’re a TRUCKDRIVER FOR GOD’S SAKE YOU PUT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING. First none of the bakers eat the cake batter out of the mixers, no one licks the spoons, and now there’s no sauce in the pie ep? Is there anyone on this show I can trust?
Meanwhile, quail egg Jasmin is struggling to meet deadline AND LOOK: LOOK. THIS IS WHY THIS SHOW IS THE BEST. EVERYONE RUNS OVER TO HELP HER.
Everyone’s pies look stonkingly good. They are all packed with so much meat and veg as to be almost unrecognisable. No cartilage. No gristle. No miscellaneous tube thing that could be an aeorta in amongst the meat. So technically not really Australian pies then.
The bakers are asked to make a Maggie recipe. Oh no. Knock the top off the verjuice and pour some out for these guys because if it’s anything like week one’s Constitution Cake, it will be the death of them.
Ah. It’s a chocolate and hazelnut blood orange meringue with a vino cotto pastry. AND SHUT THE FRONT DOOR LOOK AT IT.
Basically, it’s designed to leave the bakers in so much emotional turmoil that all you can do at the end of making this beauty, is emotionally eat the entire thing.
Janice bombs, Jasmin-I’ve-basically-won-this-already comes first, and the others cling to each other and make a pack that after this show, they will screen print novelty t-shirts that say “I survived the Chocolate Meringe of 2015″.