real life

Group Therapy: "It was never hard to talk about anything - until we had to talk about this"

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My partner and I have been together for 5 years. It was never hard to talk about anything – until we had to talk about this.

K is older than me, but it has never been an issue for us. I love the way that she is so organised and such a great parent to her two kids. She takes everything in her stride. She runs her own business, she keeps fit and finds time to organise me as well. I feel so lucky to be with her.

My work as a personal trainer means that I am up early and out the door. I work with sexy (sweaty) clients all day, but the thought of being unfaithful has never seriously crossed my mind. It sounds sappy, but I love going home to K.

I remember the first time that she wasn’t interested in having sex. There wasn’t an argument or a scene. I reached out for her, she just kept reading and it didn’t happen. Because I wake so early, I fall asleep quickly, so I didn’t worry about it too much.

We’ve always had a feisty relationship, so it wasn’t long before we were sparring and making up in the bedroom again.

In the next few months, I was working and studying and K was building her real estate business. I noticed a little…I don’t know…unresponsiveness on her part, but it wasn’t a big deal. I’ve studied massage, so I tried to help her relax, but she seemed to struggle to get comfortable and I didn’t push it.

I’ve always been moody, which has been a bit of a sore point in our relationship. I like to work through my moods and spend time alone writing music. What I realised was that I was spending more time alone and K was in her own space too. K and I were still connecting emotionally, but less and less physically. I realised that I was lonely, and it was making my moods even worse. I was snapping at K all the time because I didn’t know how to say how bad I was feeling about myself.

My clients talk to me all the time about their sex lives. But talking about sex is not something I have ever really done. K and I have always just understood each other in the past.


When I told K that I wanted to talk, she thought we were going to break up. She started crying straight away and begged me not to break up with her. I quickly reassured her that wasn’t what I wanted. I asked her why she hated it when I touched her and she just looked so ashamed. She was silent for a long time, and then she said: I just don’t feel like sex. She said she hated to turn me down because she could see it was hurting me. And she thought that any touching would lead to sex, so she didn’t want me to touch her at all. Then she talked to me about my moods and how much the time I spent alone was hurting her. She said that she was tired and that I felt far away. It felt so strange to be saying these things aloud.

I said that I would do something about my moods – and she agreed to try and work together on getting back into the bedroom.

We’re trying a few different things, and it’s fun to experiment. It’s still hard. But now I feel like I know where K is at and how I can be there for her.

The author of this post is known to Mamamia – but has chosen to remain anonymous.

Ancient wisdom, modern medicine.

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Do you talk about sex with your partner? Have you or your partner had libido issues? How did you overcome them?