lifestyle

FUNNY: The 8 most annoying public transport users.

Nath Valvo, public transport snob.

by NATH VALVO

I’m about to come out of the closet (again).

My name is Nath Valvo, and I’m a public transport snob.

A few years ago when I first moved out of home (my mum is still crying) I was a public transport-taking machine. Most days of my life would include several Tram and Train rides.

I enjoyed myself on public transport, good time to listen to music (Kylie), catch up with the important online news sites (Perez Hilton), and not to mention logging on to Grindr as I passed through new suburbs.

I used to be “that guy” banging his drum to his mates about the environmental and financial benefits of not using a car.

Then my situation changed.

Last year when my little sister decided to head overseas for 2 years, I inherited her Toyota Starlet (it’s a lovely masculine aqua colour).  Naturally, when this little aqua coloured treasure was handed to me I start driving it from A to B … then to C … then everywhere else in between.

It was a very easy transition. Driving a car is nice. It’s warm. It’s private. I can scratch myself. I can sing loud (and amazingly).Good times indeed.

Before I knew it I had been driving the car for almost a year.

A fortnight ago it decided to stop working (the thingy-majiggy part was broken) forcing me to go back to public transport for my travels. This didn’t bother me, as I had no qualms with the good ol’ Tram.

But by the second Tram I took on that first day back, I noticed that I had changed as a public transport user. Our relationship had changed … I had changed (Sorry Tram 96, it’s not you, it’s me). I couldn’t relax and listen to my music. I couldn’t concentrate on reading my trashy news, what was going on?

As I looked around my carriage, it became clear to me that majority of the people sitting near me or around me, put simply, annoyed me.

“Get over yourself Nath,” I hear you say? I agree completely.

This.

But I had two choices.  1. To get over myself. Or 2. MAKE A LIST!!

SO I MADE A LIST!

This is a list of the most annoying people on Public Transport (do you recognise any?)

1. The Salami Guy:
How many times have you had to endure the stench of salami from a commuter who has decided to eat their cold meat based lunch, much to the displeasure of you and everyone else in a 25-metre proximity?

2. The pill popper:
I cannot recall the 19-year-old pill popper asking for my permission to blare his dub step out of his earphones at 8.16 am.  (I grew up in a household where a strict No Skrillex before lunchrule was enforced)

ADVERTISEMENT

3. Highschool Girls:
Perhaps I should invest in a pair of industrial earplugs, which would help filter out the high pitched squawking of high school girls debating about whether Harry or Zayne is the hottest member of One Direction (It’s Zayne).

4. The Fare Evader:
I am partial to a decent shoulder massage (who isn’t?) so how about fare evaders provide us with this service whilst we sit here footing the ever-rising ticket prices to cover their illegal journey?

5. The B.O Guy:
We all have our briefcases, handbags, instruments (and crosses as it seems) to bare on Public Transport, so why not try adding another staple item… a deodorant can attached to your key ring to soak up the profuse stench of B.O. on the guy who always decides to sit next to you every morning.

6. The Horny Business Woman:
Surely I cannot be the only commuter who is sick of staring at the covers of 50 shades of grey. Ladies, how would you feel if I whipped out my laptop and started streaming some gay porn from Xtube on the tram? We are all sexually frustrated – keep it in the bedroom please.

Memo: We can’t all spread out with a broadsheet newspaper.

7. The Reader of broadsheet newspapers:
Speaking of reading, please take note of the following suggestion all you readers of The Age, The Australian and The Sydney Morning Herald newspaper, next time throw on some leg warmers and do some star jumps – trust me – it will take up less space.

8. The Couple Fighting:
Nothing reaffirms my homosexuality more than hearing the crazy girlfriend have a fight with her stoned boyfriend loud enough so the entire train can hear. I often pray the next stop (crazy town) is hers.

Wow, see what catching public transport does to me? It makes me really judgmental, and for a gay guy that is really uncommon!

The car is now back from the mechanic and ready to go. It’s now up to me again how I choose to travel around. Driving a car is really bad for my wallet. Driving a car is really bad for the environment. Driving a car keeps me well away from the list of people above…

I’ve made my decision.

To the future generations who will inherit this earth: I am sorry. But that whole environment caper, ain’t gonna be around.

My name is Nath Valvo, and I’m a public transport snob.

Nath Valvo is a comedian based in Melbourne. He can be heard on the Nova FM network and will one day host his own talk show. You can follow him on twitter here.

Do you take public transport? Have you met any of the public transport-takers on this list? Are there any missing?

Light blue and pink butterfly illustration. You click, we help. Shooting star illustration.

Mamamia is funding 100 girls in school, every day.

So just by spending time with Mamamia, you’re helping educate girls, which is the best tool to lift them out of poverty.

Thanks for helping!

Light blue and pink butterfly illustration. Girl with pigtails sitting at desk writing in notebook. Row of four books.
Three hands holding books
00:00 / ???