Before I became a mum I had imagined what parenthood would be like.
Not imagined as in dreamt about just the cute, squishy, good bits - I felt in my mind that I knew it wasn't going to be all teeny-tiny onesies and toothless cooing babies.
No, I had a grasp on the reality of motherhood. I knew there’d be poo-stained clothes to soak (hello, Strucket, the best purchase I’ve made in 2020). I was aware there’d be blurry-eyed 3am feeds. I was almost excited for plastic crap to fill my house!
But it’s not until you’re actually welcomed into the world of motherhood by way of a human busting out of your body that you come to learn there’s a whole parallel universe of little rituals, unspoken happenings and idiosyncrasies that pertain to being a parent.
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Trying to avoid the danger nap.
This most commonly occurs in the car, frustratingly when you’re five minutes from home, where your child would have a much better sleep in their own cot (and you’d be able to get sh!t done).
So instead of letting your heavy-lidded little one drift off to lalaland, you reach back with your left arm and lovingly, but rather firmly, bop your kid on the head so they don’t fall asleep. All while keeping the other hand on the wheel and eyes on the road. If you’re really close to the danger zone you might choose to pair this with winding their window down and/or loud singing.
Assessing shades of snot colour.
It’s not until your child starts daycare that you learn to hone your skills in being able to tell the difference between marigold, butter-yellow, lime and grass-coloured snot. Because a child with yellow or green snot cannot attend daycare, whereas a bit of clear snot is allowed.
You find yourself asking...does green come before or after yellow? When it’s yellow are they getting better? Is that clear or does it have a tinge of yellow? CAN I SEND THEM BACK YET?!