We probably could have hired a professional to bring you the new Mamamia Horoscopes, but we assumed they’d all be too busy winning the lottery every week and helping policemen (almost) solve crimes on reality shows.
So, you’re stuck with me.
Last night, I spent the evening knee-deep in star charts, connecting with the universe.
I understood none of it.
Here you go:
Aries March 21 – April 20
The fifth moon of Mordor in your Jupiter house means today is the perfect day for you take advantage of celestial radiations that will settle in the third axis of Neptune’s house of air. Understand? Good, because it’s like, vitally important that you get that. Lives are at stake.
Also, stop pretending to understand things that you don’t. You think when you smile and nod that nobody can tell that you don’t know what’s going on. Everybody can tell.
Taurus April 21 – May 21
Something you ate yesterday was bad. Get ready for a rough couple of days.
Gemini May 22 – June 21
Stop being so paranoid Gemini! Conspiracies are silly and almost never true. But if you insist on worrying, wear a frangipani pinned to your shirt for the next seven days and avoid the number 127. I can’t really explain – it’s stars stuff. But trust me, that will protect you.
Cancer June 22 – July 23
Today you will find yourself in a very difficult or very fantastic position involving a family member or person who has a face.
Leo July 24 – Aug 23
Did you know that if you spill coffee on a white shirt, the best way to remove the stain is to smother it with red wine and then pat it down with sugar crystals? Try it the next time you’re trying to impress somebody.
Also, stop being so gullible. Everyone is laughing at you.
Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 23
Your childhood dreams of being famous have finally come true. A photo of you has become a MAJOR viral meme in a small European country. I’m not going to tell you which one.
As you were.
Libra Sept 24 – Oct 23
OMG! You know that barista who you’ve been making eyes with in the mornings? The one who always puts a little smiley face next to your name because they obviously reciprocate your feelings of love and sexy tingles?