It’s the time of year when lots of people are putting on Santa hats and flying to their loved ones. Which means one thing. Air rage.
People who leave their jackets on until they get to their seat. People who slam their seats backwards into my lunch. People who fart and don’t pretend to look around.I have hated and been all of these passengers. Source: Twitter.
DISCLAIMER: I once fell asleep and drooled on the shoulder of the lady next to me. Neither of us looked each other in the eye all the way to the baggage carousel and beyond. I also once fell asleep (sensing a pattern?!) so heavily that I didn’t hear any of the announcements, and when the plane touched down and jolted me awake, I screamed because I thought we were crashing. I’m not perfect.
Regardless, let’s make a communal effort to be good passengers, so our only concern is how much Jetstar is charging for a shit cardboard sandwich, and why the pilot sounds stoned*.
How To: Not Be A Shitty Flight Passenger (or, How To: Give a Flying F*ck)
1. Calm the fuck down, we all WILL get on and off the plane. There is no need for you to stand in a huge queue to get on board. There is no need for you to push in the line. There is no need for you to stand up the moment the aeroplane wheels connect with the tarmac, with your head bent at an uncomfortable angle under the seatbelt sign, in a bid to be the first to de-board. The flight attendants will stand there calmly until the plane is full/empty, and whether you are the first or last one on/off the plane, you are still going to have to wait for another fifteen minutes until the flight taxis out or the baggage hits the carousel. So Calm. The fuck. Down.
2. Get your shit out of your bag BEFORE you board. The reason we end up standing in line on the plane for so long is because some wanker sat in the gate lounge for twenty minutes, got up, swiped his boarding pass, got to his seat, and THEN decided to remove his jacket, get out his laptop, locate his iphone in his wanker briefcase, get his wanky book out, and then FINALLY sit down while we all aged twelve years in the line. Get organised, wanker.
3. Keep your elbows to yourself. We are sharing that arm rest between us, so SHARE. And stop poking me in the ribs.
4. When you put your seat back, do it gently. (And preferably, if you are in front of me, don’t put it back at all…) More than once the dickhead in front of me has slammed his chair back at a random point in the flight, and I have spilt coffee all over my lap. Gentle.
5. Don’t be annoying. If you are playing games on your phone or some other device, turn the bloody sound off. Or risk me hitting you over the head with said device.