real life

The 5 drunk personalities to look out for this weekend. (And how to deal with each one)

Controversial opinion: sometimes getting drunk is way cool.

It’s way cool because alcohol has a magical power. For better or worse, it has the ability to transform our entire identity: our beliefs; our concept of right/wrong/appropriate/inappropriate; our feelings of self consciousness. And (definitely) our levels of coordination.

DO NOT take our wine. We neeeed it. For things. via American Broadcasting Company.

When we drink, all these things are altered from their normal state. And as the process of intoxication progresses, our drunk persona shimmies its way out from its lil' cave to run wild. And when it does? You fundamentally change as a person.

So. While you're at the bar this weekend - wine in hand - watching your friends make giggly fools of themselves on the dance floor, be extra judgmental. We implore you. Here are the five categories that every drunk persona falls into:

1. The Angry Drunk

gender:

  • Male.

drink of choice:

  • Bourbon.

description:

  • Completely chilled out when sober.
  • Always the first person to get drunk.

characteristics:

  • LOUD. And sweary.
  • Unpredictable.
  • Unloads sexual frustration by cat calling women. Shouts when they don't respond by taking their clothes off.
  • Passes out drooling in bush at end of night.

quotes:

  • "Oi seriously bro I'll smash you."
  • "Did that guy just look at me funny?"

if found:

  • Do NOT engage.
  • Distract with food.
  • Run, before you get groped.

2. The Wandering Drunk

gender:

  • Female.
Image via Universal Pictures.
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drink of choice:

  • White wine.
  • Gin & tonic.
  • Vodka soda.

description:

  • Flies under the radar.
  • Quiet.

characteristics:

  • The ULTIMATE ghoster.
  • Leaves boring social events in search of funner things, or just to have some alone time.
  • Introduces herself to fun looking strangers.
  • Walk streets with unusual cocktail of contentment and confusion. Think lost dog.

quotes:

  • "I'm just going to the bathroom, be right back."

if found:

  • Introduce yourself. She won't bite.

3. The Introspective Drunk

gender:

  • Male.

drink of choice:

  • Jack Daniels and coke.

description:

  • Sits up at the bar drinking alone.
  • Wants your sympathy.

characteristics:

  • Internally re-thinks every decision he's ever made.
  • Keeps head down until alcohol kicks in.
  • Asks those around him if he'll ever find love.
  • Tips generously.

quotes:

  • "I'll have another JD and coke"
  • "What do you mean you can't serve me anymore JD and coke?"
  • "Am I really that unloveable..."

via GIPHY

if found:

  • Avoid passing within ten metre radius.
  • Let wallow.

4. The Happy Drunk

gender:

  • Female/male.

drink of choice:

  • Beer.
  • Cruisers.
  • Tequila shots.

description:

  • Smiles all night long.
  • Goes red in the face after drink number four.

characteristics:

  • Greets you with a hug.
  • Dancing. All the dancing.
  • Laughs at situations that are objectively un-funny.
  • Spends money with abandon (usually on food).

via GIPHY

quotes:

  • "Awww no WAY. This my JAM."
  • "Yeah guys I'VE GOT THIS ROUND."

if found:

  • Befriend. You'll have a great night.

5. The 'Get-More-Drunk' Drunk

gender:

  • Female/Male

drink of choice:

  • Cocktails
  • Vodka Red Bull

description:

  • Merrily oblivious to everything around them.
  • Has never been on time to a social event.

via GIPHY

characteristics:

  • Lacks any form of foresight.
  • Operates on one of two speeds: sober or paralytic.
  • Wildly irresponsible.
  • Drinks body weight in alcohol, vomits back up, keeps drinking.
  • Makes fun of you from the back of the ambulance for not drinking as much as them.

quotes:

  • "I'm gnna get another White Russian."
  • "Hahaha I'm so drunk."
  • "Are you serious it's only 4am? We have to find another bar."

if found:

  • Pretend to knock back shots with them until they pass out. Then go do your own thang.

We reckon your drunk persona fits into one of these categories. Actually it definitely does. Or maybe you're a hybrid? If you're a Happy/Wandering drunk, we want to hang with YOU this weekend. But... umm... to all the angry/get-more-drunk drunks out there? Maybe just have a quiet one in...

Listen: You'll find all sorts of drunk people at the races, but is it okay to make fun of them?

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