'A definitive list of 8 things I'm buying myself after my first year as a parent.'

The first year of being a new parent is like copping a brick to the face. Repeatedly. 

Just when you feel like you've recovered from one beating, another one comes flying at you like you're a sticky bandit dealing with an irate Kevin McCallister. 

Exhibit A. Image: Supplied. 

New parents like myself, honestly need all the help they can get, and that's why the new Bonds Baby Cover is SO bloody good. 

Bonds Baby Cover is basically like covering the brick with one of their (absolutely essential) Wondersuits – it softens the blow of that bad boy to the face! Now, it's not an actual insurance policy on your baby (lol, that surely doesn't exist); but a free loyalty program for new and expectant parents with fab rewards. 

When you sign up, you can access heaps of benefits: 10-30 per cent off all year round, discounts on the sleep range (approved by Red Nose for safe sleep), free shipping, early access to new launches, and even a free Bonds Baby product. 

Baby Cover is available for parents and caregivers of kids under 12 months to reward and support them throughout their baby’s first year of life. With all the accidents and surprises that occur along the way, many parents like to celebrate reaching (read: surviving) the milestone with a birthday party. 

Look up "baby's first birthday" on Pinterest, and you'll be met with an inundation of ideas and inspo. The first birthday has become a rite of social media passage for parents, as they proudly pose with their teeny sleep thief, all dressed in a colour scheme, with a balloon arch and a $200 cake on display. But when my sleep thief (his name is Lennox 'Lenny' Lee) soon turns one, I actually think it will be… well, me, who deserves the celebration. 

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by KELLY LEE 😝 (@kelly_mccarren)

Because really, I grew him, shared my body for over nine months with him, birthed him, breastfed him, survived the newborn phases and continue to do so. What has he done? Yelled? Repeatedly slobbered on his hands? 

So, I thought I'd put together a list of everything I'd like to buy MYSELF, not the baby, to celebrate his first year… 

A new back. 

You can buy new breasts and lips, so surely I can order myself a fancy new back? I'd quite like one without endless aches and pains from bouncing a cranky baby around for what feels like an eternity at 4am. 

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by KELLY LEE 😝 (@kelly_mccarren)

A new couch.

We *cleverly* bought a cream couch before Lenny was born. It's now covered in vomit stains. We are yet to have had a serious poo explosion (which is where the Bonds poo-licy will come in handy, surely!), but MY WORD has that poor couch seen some projectile bodily fluids sprayed all over it in his first year. 

A sex drive.

Remember sex? Remember ENJOYING sex? Hell, that's how you landed yourself a sleep thief to begin with! I would quite like my sex drive and a semblance of a sex life back, if that isn't too much to ask. I'm sure my libido is just hibernating under a debt of sleepless nights and Lenny's cry-screaming sessions. 

A long weekend in Bali.

I say Bali because, realistically, I can't afford the sort of weekend I want in Australia. Paediatrician appointments have bled my bank account pretty dry, and Mumma wants some pampering. I reckon 4 days is the perfect amount of time to recharge without missing the sleep thief too much. I'd do nothing but read (remember reading?), drink (responsibly) by the pool, get massages, and SLEEP. 

Sleep banks.

I know this doesn't exist, but we're in the land of buying a new back right now, so please allow it. I'm under no illusion that Lenny will turn one and just start sleeping from 7am-7pm. That would be nice, but the kid is the cutest troublemaker you'll meet under the age of 1, so I hold no hope. A sleep bank would be glorious. A magical resource I could tap into and get 8 hours of shut-eye in an 8-minute increment. 

A wine fridge that magically refills. 

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by KELLY LEE 😝 (@kelly_mccarren)

Remember those old ads for Tim Tams, and the packet would just fill right back up again? I remember being a kid and watching those ads, wishing it was real because HOW GOOD WOULD THAT BE. Well, grown-up Kelly still thinks that trick would be glorious, but instead of biscuits: wine. I imagine year two of Lenny will still have its own *challenges*, and the occasional tipple can be lovely after a big day of parenting.

A night nurse on call.

Everyone prattles on how the lonely nights are great for bonding with your baby, but I think that's a load of codswallop. A rested mumma is a happier mumma, and more patient with The Yells and reading That's Not My Teddy for the umpteenth time. Night nurses are like expensive angels sent from heaven, and the idea of having one perpetually on standby are simply what dreams are made of. 

Once upon a time, I would dream about oceanfront Sydney real estate, and now I dream of a lass that comes over and takes the baby, so I can sleep.

Style.

Apparently, it's not uncommon, but the first year for a parent, especially a woman, holds a whole lot of identity confusion, with style and 'what the hell do I wear now?' being centre stage. I would like to know what to wear and what suits me again, and I would like to not stand in front of a mirror and feel wildly confused about who the person looking back at me is. 

I've got seven months to go, so what else should I add to my wish list, and what's on yours?

Sign up now for the Bonds Baby Cover loyalty program, and receive a free Bonds baby product with your next online order (plus discounts, free shipping and more!).

Feature Image: Instagram/@kelly_mccarren/Supplied.