“Everything I wish I’d known before I became a Dad. I was more of a baby before we had a baby.”

Video by mamamia

Firstly, congratulations. You’re about to embark on a life-changing journey. I can’t say that you’re going to “boldly go where no man has gone before”….if you exist then…your father has….well, you get the picture.

Being a dad is amazing. Being an expectant dad is amazing.

Listen to my words of wisdom, fathers of the future.

Get your sleep now. I wish I slept more before I had kids. Then again, it’s probably a good idea to make the most of your evenings, because you’ll be regularly having the “Early Bird Special” once you have kids, and dinner will be at 5:30 on the dime.

You’ll get really hungry again at 8pm. Resist the urge to make a ham and cheese jaffle on a nightly basis. You will turn into Jabba the Hut.

Things will change. But don’t whinge about being tired all the time because your partner will be 5000 times more tired than you will be.

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You’ll be helping out a lot more at home once the little bubba arrives.

Essentially, you’re like a point guard in basketball, you’ll be assisting your partner all of the place: cleaning, tidying, carrying the screaming baby when mum passes out due to exhaustion. So, sleep now. Or go out now. I did the latter.

Just get used to the fact that you’ll be waking up with an alcohol-free hangover each day.

Remember Yoda’s words of wisdom in relation to not giving in to anger when your wife is expecting.

The hormones are intense. Your partner is going through so much even without the hormones. As far as I can tell (in my completely uneducated opinion) the hormones are like USSR emotion steroids.

It’s intense. Basically, be patient and think about your partner’s much more difficult situation. Try not to be a baby because your partner is carrying a baby.

Jeff-Charles
Dadding in the backyard

Looking back, I was more of a baby before we had a baby.

Becoming a father will force you to grow up, which is a good thing. It forces you to get out of your own universe and put the needs of others before your own stupid desires.

Start meditating, drink less and get all your selfishness out of your system. How you de-selfishize is up to you. Everyone has different tastes. One bloke I know went on boys trip to Las Vegas before having kid to say farewell to his pre-kid self…that’s probably taking it a little too far.

Maybe don’t do that. Just watch some Entourage and eat pizza. Shout abuse at your footy on the TV when they can’t even hear you. Play some Grand Theft Auto with the sound blaring because you’ll be using wireless TV headphones once the kid has arrived.

Mind-boggling, impromptu cravings will be ordered by your pregnant partner long after the local supermarket have shut their doors. Dishes that you haven’t had in years, like apricot chicken, weird combinations with anchovies, fresh donuts at 1am will all be requested. Maybe take up cooking as a safeguard.

I didn’t and I feel bad about that now. Learn how to bake. But then again, some of the combinations are so off-the-wall that the judges on Masterchef would be proud. Work out what your partner loves to eat and Masterchef the shit of it.

Jeff Charles
True tales from a first-time expectant dad

If you’re an expectant dad, you’ve got the easy job in the partnership.

To some extent, you’re like a graduate in the office, getting cups of coffee and doing the photocopying. Just be there and assist. Maybe take up yoga. Probably not a bad idea considering that you’ll be working off those dad bod calories in the very near future.

Try to take in the whole experience. Listen to your partner. Don’t be selfish. Get plenty of sleep.

Listen to the full episode of Hello Bump here:

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