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The premiere of First Dates delivered one of the most cringe worthy dates we've ever seen.

Channel 7’s First Dates (Australia) has opened its second season with an absolute banger of a date.

Just one.

I recommend watching the episode online so you can cruise through the other dates until you find it. It’s between Sanjay and Caitlin.

Listen to the bartender from First Dates explain what went on behind the scenes to make this date so awkward.

I’m going to recap their date and their date alone. Channel 7 is clever to hide it around 20 minutes into the episode. It’s the cream in the Cadbury Creme egg of the episode.

The date opens with used car salesman Sanjay.

You just know he's put custom rims on his Toyota Corolla. (Source: Channel 7.)

Sanjay introduces himself with "hey, hey, hey" and only gets worse from there.

He decides to give himself the rating of a 9.5 out of 10. Immediately we know three things about Sanjay:

Sanjay flicks up the collar of polo shirts.

Sanjay wears mirrored sunglasses. At night.

Sanjay owns the email address: [email protected]

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He continues with three memorable phrases:

"I am the catch. If there was a catch of the day, I'd be on it."

"Women, women, women, just complex beings."

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"I am not sleazy, certainly not."

Certainly, not. (Source: Channel 7.)

Sanjay, Sanjay, Sanjay. I think you need more straight-talking female friends or male enemies because nobody has said, "mate, you can't say that" in a long time.

Sanjay's date is Caitlin, a young nurse originally from New Zealand. Caitlin is immediately likeable.

Her introduction is peppered with comparisons between men's facial hair and pubic regions.

"I don't care how nice they are, if they have a bush, it's just no," she says.

"There's more bacteria in a man's beard bush than there probably is on anyone's pubic bush."

Truth. You should get into horoscopes, girl.

10/10 good chick. (Source: Channel 7.)
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Caitlin says she wants a man who has banter. Suddenly, this match makes a lot of sense. She needs a guy who can talk and that seems like Sanjay's number one (out of one?) skill.

The date begins and Sanjay gets off to a good start by acting like he's the star of his own reality show. (Side note: I would watch a reality show with him in it.)

"Here's the menu," he narrates to himself, "Fresh linguini."

Mate. Stop.

"I like to impress to some extent, if I like someone," he tells the camera. I briefly wonder if he considers reading aloud a skill.

Who even are you? I don't know. I don't care. (Source; Channel 7)

The show cuts to lots of other couples whose dates are neither good or bad enough to warrant interest. When we cut back to Caitlin and Sanjay (Canjay? Saitlin?), they are discussing dream jobs.

"I wanted to be a mortician." Caitlin says, staring off into the distance with the kind of blank stare her dream clients might share.

"Isn't that like, dead bodies?" Sanjay asks.  Ding, ding, ding! 10 points to you, sir, or maybe 9.5.

"It's fascinating... I love that stuff," she replies.

When Sanjay receives his beef carpaccio, he looks at it with the look you give a $800 blouse you accidentally picked up.

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It's alright, mate. Just don't breathe as you chew. (Source: Channel 7.)

You humour that blouse, touch the sleeve, make a lot of thoughtful faces and then get the f&*$ out of there.

"Poached goodness," he says.  "Excellente."

Not excellente. In fact, shit is about to massively go down.

Sanjay realises that Caitlin has ordered tempura despite previously stating that she DOESN'T eat seafood but will eat fish and chips. Um. Right.

Everyone keep in mind that she has ordered tempura zucchini flowers. No fish. Strangely delicious vegetables.

"You got the tempura, I thought you didn't like seafood," he says.

"I didn't think tempura was seafood." she says, her voice breaking on the "sea" and the "food".

"Crazy," Sanjay says. "What's wrong with -" Sanjay remembers he is on a date and cuts himself off mid-word.

It's chill though because Caitlin is too busy losing her mind over her tempura to even notice.

I get it though. Ordering badly is a nightmare we all share. (Source: Channel 7.)
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The waiter, seeing the distress, appears out of nowhere. He assures Caitlin the tempura is in fact zucchini flowers, and not fish.

Caitlin places her hand onto her chest as though she's survived a near death experience. The date continues.

It seems as though the insane commotion caused by her mistake has bonded the pair. The rest of the date is sweet - tender, even.

Caitlin reveals she has difficulty expressing herself emotionally and Sanjay stops being a caricature of the Alpha male and responds correctly.

Until we get to the end of the date and Sanjay is handed the bill. He looks down. "Split it?" He says.

Split. It.

Split. it.

Split it.

Split it, split it, split it. (Source: Channel 7.)

The words echo around my head with that eerie high pitch noise that comes after a bomb has gone off.

I think about how he considers himself a 9.5/10. I think about how I briefly saw his guard down. And then I think about the kind of people who split bills on first dates.

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Just pay. Just pay for all of it. Take turns to treat each-other. You pay first. They pay next. You pay first. They pay next. PAY FOR IT YOU STINGE.

"Well, you did order the more expensive thing," he says, before he forces laughter out and pretends like what he said was a joke.

NOBODY IS LAUGHING.

Caitlin attempts to mask her feelings but it doesn't happen. It goes a bit like this:

via GIPHY

She reaches for the bill.

"Two dollars, mate, two dollars," she says.

"I am a feminist," he says. Ooft. Men who tell women they're a feminist with the phrase, "I am a feminist" need to be taken to the 'faraway farm' your parents take your pets when they're too sick.

"I wanted a real man," Caitlin says. The pair laugh.

Wait, what!?

"I wanted humour, he was able to rile me up," Caitlin explains in a separate interview.

Bit cute. Gotta admit. (Source; Channel 7.)

It seems I have underestimated Sanjay. It seems his false bravado, cheapskate front has worked.

The pair scull red wine like absolute champions and leave together.

Well played, Sanjay and Caitlin, well played.

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