dating

This woman escaped the date from hell. By calling the police.

First date essentials:

Lipstick? If he’s lucky.

Slightly inviting / edgy / sophisticated outfit, that’s definitely not trying too hard? Preferable.

Kick-ass and inarguable exit strategy? Absolutely non-negotiable.

Apps like Tinder have turned the dating scene into something resembling the Hunger Games (except we’re nominating ourselves).

Once you’re on that date, it’s anyone’s guess how it’s going to go down – you’ve not ever seen that guy before, he’s not a friend of a friend, you don’t know anything about him… except a very-possibly-photo-shopped picture and a description.

Adrenaline, romance, strategy, maybe some archery… are all first-date possibilities. They’re also why you need an exit strategy.

Listen to Mia Freedman discuss ‘dating exits’ with Jessie Stephens and Monique Bowley on Mamamia Out Loud. Post continues after audio…

One woman, in Amherst, Massachusetts, has taken the escape strategy to an entire new level of non-negotiable-ness.

Admittedly, she loses points for agreeing to go hiking on a first date (because that’s not very exit-strategy-friendly for the moment you discover he’s actually in love with his mother and obsessed with dead kitten jokes).

But she makes up for this in her elaborate, inarguable, undeniably kick-ass exit strategy.

She got herself rescued from her first date. Yes, rescued. 

This gem was shared on Twitter by Alexander Chee, a savvy police blotter (crime log) spotter:

With this as inspiration, we celebrate some of the best exit strategies going around:

The someone-needs-me-and-you-don't-deserve-me emergency exit

Maybe your room-mate just fell in the bath. Maybe your grandmother needs a lift to the specialist. Maybe your brother is having an emergency operation to remove his appendix. Whatever it is, it's urgent and you need to be there. STAT.

To make this work, concoct a story beforehand and get a friend in on it.

I would sneakily send a message to my friend and she would know to call me. She'd be having a "really hard time" and needed me right away. That was my cue to leave. - May, 34.

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Urgent emergency. I'm needed elsewhere. I'm also never seeing you again.

The thoughtful, I'm-actually-doing-you-a-favour exit

Well, this is awkward, but you figured it's best to be honest, right?

You actually have a severe case of genital warts or you're currently treating an STD.

While it is possible to move past this, because it's the first date (and he's actually an utter smack job), you just don't feel comfortable inflicting that sort of turmoil and responsibility onto such a total jerk nice guy. It's going to be a long road to recovery, and you're doing him a favour by kicking him well clear of it.

Note: It's best not to use this approach if the guy knows a bunch of your friends.

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The scare-him-till-he-leaves-voluntarily exit

So, where does he think you should get married? What's his favourite walking-down-the-aisle tune? And how many kids is he after?

Also, don't forget, you've already rearranged his calendar so he has time to meet your parents next weekend, and you're having an official "coming out" party where he can meet all your friends on the following Thursday.

Note, if this doesn't make him leave, and he's actually down for the Mariah Carey first wedding dance, then resort to the rescue strategy. Get the police involved.

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The not-even-worth-an-excuse smoke bomb exit

He doesn't deserve anything from you so it's time to up and leave. If you can do this in front of him, and simply stand up from the table and walk out that door, then ups to you and one day I hope I will possess at least an inch of your guts.

If not, then a bathroom trip or stepping outside for a quick pone call are both valuable segues to smoke bombs.

My friend and I told two guys we were going to the bathroom and slipped out the back door. The bathroom line was incredibly long so it probably took them an hour to notice we weren't coming back. - Ange, 27.

Or... You can just stage your own rescue.

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