Warning: This post deals with domestic violence and rape. The content may be disturbing to some readers.

By: Mary for Divorced Moms.

I separated from my husband in 2011 and got divorced in 2012. There have been and still are so many problems that it feels like I’m still in 2011 and I have to remind myself it’s over and time to move on.

But I can’t stop looking back and analysing my ex-husband and the life we shared over and over again. It’s like watching home videos and seeing the natural progression to the end.

My husband proposed by asking me, “Would you like to go on an adventure?”

My married life was nothing short of an adventure, so he kept his word. Everyone thought my life was perfect – and I was taught by my husband perception is everything. My husband throughout our marriage thought he was a knight in shining armor to women – and I ended up repeatedly apologising for his infidelity. I know it sounds crazy, but I apologised for making him do it every single time because it was my fault.

Here's the moment I knew I had to not just leave but RUN: It was a long weekend and we were working on being the happy, perfect family.

A couple of months prior we had a typical elephant in the room problem. It was the same problem, just another day/year. The difference this time was that I had been sleeping on the couch since February. I refused to sweep it under the carpet, forget about it or better yet acknowledge the problem was MY fault and I brought it on myself.

My husband handed me a drink Friday night and that was it. The next morning I woke up naked on our bathroom floor sick. My head was pounding, the room was spinning and I could barely move. I closed my eyes and thinking even hurt.

My husband was up and getting ready for a busy Saturday. He came in the bathroom to brush his teeth and noticed I was awake. He told me I was amazing last night and thanked me for exonerating him. Yes that is right EXONERATING. Exonerating is a big, long word that hurt to even say.

I had to remember that word because I never heard it before and I had to look it up. My head was pounding and I kept saying it over and over again. Fast forward to today, four years later, and I wish I could forget the word.

My husband told our three kids I had the flu and not to bother me. My son covered me with a bath towel and they ran off to start their day. When the phone rang everyone was told I had the flu, and that they should call back in a couple of days.

I stayed in the bathroom all day Saturday and slept on the floor. Finally I was able to get up on Sunday without getting sick.

I looked up the word exoneration and began to cry. The definition is to clear, as of an accusation; free from guilt or blame (he was exonerated from cheating).

On Sunday I asked my husband what happened. The last thing I remember was him handing me a drink Friday night and I could not remember ANYTHING until I woke up Saturday morning (it's the same to this day - I don't remember). He was cool, calm and casually replied he put something in my drink to see what would happen. Then he proceeded to tell me that was the best sex we have ever had and I was amazing. I was dumbfounded and told him he could have killed me with whatever he gave me. He just looked at me, opened his top dresser drawer, removed a bottle and left the bedroom.

After I put the kids on the school bus Tuesday morning I called an attorney for a consultation. That morning for the first time in 18 years of marriage I was physically scared for my life. There was no way I could sweep this under the rug, take the blame and apologise for what he did to me or continue with my perceived perfect life. I had no idea what I was going to do. I was a stay at home mum and just knew it was time.

I met the attorney and immediately filed for divorce. I DID share my story with her and she asked me for a copy of my police records and hospital results. I will be honest, it never crossed my mind to call the police (right or wrong I can't answer that, I just didn't) and I couldn't have taken myself to the hospital. The attorney told me that my husband was correct with his statement - he was exonerated.

I filed for a no fault divorce.

This article was originally published on DivorcedMoms.

If you need to talk to someone in regard to domestic and family violence or sexual assault, please contact 1800 737 732 (1800 RESPECT).

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