Luke* met Kate* in January 2015 in Sydney. They clicked, flirted, swapped numbers, went on a few dates and started dating exclusively in March. Two months later she fell pregnant. Here, he shares his heartbreaking story with Mamamia:
“I’ve been in love before but nothing close to this. When I first met Kate there was a real warmth about her that I was drawn to. We had the conversation about dating exclusively – and it wasn’t awkward at all. Nothing about our relationship was awkward, it all felt very natural and right. I didn’t feel like I needed to keep any guard up to protect myself.
I was so in love with her, very quickly. There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to marry her. I wanted a future with her and it didn’t seem like there was any reason that couldn’t happen. There were no hurdles. When she told me she was pregnant I asked her to marry me on the spot.
I felt we’d clicked, connected, and were heading in the same direction in life.
Looking back now, there probably were some red flags along the way but at the time I chose not to focus on them.
She was close to five months pregnant when I found out through a friend of a friend that she used to be a stripper. I could handle that. We talked about it; she promised it was all in her past. I felt we were in a different world now, our world, our bubble. My entire life was her, our unborn child and our future together.
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A few weeks later she had a miscarriage. It came totally out of the blue and happened very fast. One minute I was planning to take on a second job to bring more money in, the next she called me at work to say she was bleeding, and then our baby was gone.
Except, it wasn’t just our baby. It was everything that was gone.
In my mind I was counting the days down to becoming a father. I’d taken the responsibility of all that entails very seriously, without any doubt in my mind. There were pieces of paper with notes that I scribbled late at night adding up how much I could earn and save to give us a good life. It felt exciting to step up, it wasn’t daunting. I had no fear. I was totally onboard and committed.
After the miscarriage the truth all came tumbling out.
She told me she was hooked on crystal meth.
She told me she’d been using for several years.
I couldn’t get my head around any of it.
We had never come close to talking about this. Every time she had said she was going out with girl friends I trusted her. I always trusted her. I thought she was the one for me, but the girl I fell in love with didn’t exist. She’d been hooked on meth for years and had been sleeping with other people the whole time we’d been together to earn money for drugs. Money I’d given her to buy little bits and pieces for our baby had gone on drugs too. I wasn’t tracking the dollars.
She’d been smoking meth the whole way through our pregnancy and it made me feel sick. I sat with my head in my hands just shaking. It didn’t feel real. None of it felt real.
My head was full of preparing for sleepless nights, working hard and being a good father. Now, there was no baby, even the pregnancy had been nothing like I had thought. It had been a horrible, drug-fuelled period of lies.
Everything she’d told me was a lie.
It’s hard to describe how an experience like this leaves you feeling. Like a shell, empty, numb – but in agony all at the same time.
Trusting someone is a choice. I say that looking back there were red flags; I just mean that I wasn’t with her all the time. I wasn’t monitoring who she was with or her money. I trusted her. I trusted the wrong person.
Now I can see why there were times when she didn’t respond to messages for ages. I understand where her paranoia, mood swings and odd eating habits came from. But it’s very easy to look back and see it all mapped out in hindsight.
I’m not going to say I will never trust anyone again. Long term I hope I will – but I’m still reeling. I have days where it hits me like waking up after a nightmare all over again and it hurts as badly as the day I heard it for the very first time.”