I am in the middle of the most agonising wait I have ever experienced.
Last week (9am Wednesday to be precise or about 167 hours ago), I was artificially inseminated. I have one more week until my period is due or about 168 hours. Do you realise how slow a week is when you’re anxious, scared, excited and just a little emotional? No wonder I feel like I’m about 3 words away from tears.
I tried to look for some blogs about IUI (inter-uterine insemination) but of course, if you’re thinking fertility treatment the first thought is IVF and there seems to be a lot of support and information about that, but not much on IUI. I’m feeling like I’m sitting on an island watching all the boats sail just out of reach.
I don’t feel particularly well either. It was quite sudden that I didn’t feel too good, but I’m too scared to go to the doctor because I know she will do a pregnancy test and I know it’s too early for a positive result, so then I will be heartbroken that not only am I not pregnant, but I spent $1200 to get pregnant and it didn’t work.
I also know that feeling tired, a bit faint or dizzy and a headache are symptoms of stress not just pregnancy. I know that gastro has been going through my workplace so maybe the slight nausea I have had since the day before yesterday when I skip a meal might just be that. I know my sore breast is a symptom of PMS.
But knowing all of that doesn’t stop me wondering and hoping.
Following a miscarriage about 8 months ago, I have been wound tighter than Joan Rivers’ face. We have been trying naturally for 15 months. In our 16 month we got some help. We understood that because of our specific issues, we have a chance of not needing to go for IVF but what if it doesn’t work?
We have eaten herbs, we have followed the doctor’s advice, I’ve had acupuncture, I’ve meditated, I’ve prayed and of course, we have shagged and shagged and just for a bit of a change, we shagged some more. We’ve shagged daily, every second day, or every third day, depending what the doctor told us each month and with only the one success that ended in heartbreak.