“Ugh”.
That’s the only word that could even begin to describe how Shelly Mettling was feeling after suffering a miscarriage just two weeks after finding out she was pregnant.
“Two weeks ago we found out we were growing our family to three… we were excited, nervous and extremely grateful,” the 28 year-old wrote on Instagram last week.
“Today is a bit different…as We lay here losing something we prayed so damn hard for I can’t help but be angry, emotional, sad, confused and frustrated!”
But despite the devastating experience, Mettling wrote there was one feeling from the happy period she would be holding on to – being “grateful”.
“I’m grateful that I got to feel (even for a short time) the power of motherhood. I’m grateful that I got to experience the bond that a woman feels the instant she finds out she is growing a little human in her belly. I’m grateful I got to feel the love I was capable of feeling/giving to someone that I had never even met!,” she wrote.
“I’m grateful for the Fact that God Gave me this Experience to test my strength. I’m grateful for the family and friends that have been checking in on me and lifting me up when I’ve been so knocked down it’s hard to visualize standing again. I’m grateful I have a platform to share my story to help others who have made room in their own hearts for someone special they too never got to meet!”
Of course, for many women who have – or sadly may – experience the early loss of a child, the thought of feeling grateful may seem impossible, and that’s OK. But Mettling says while it’s not all she feels, she’s trying to make it the focus.
Listen: Former Head of Podcasts Monique Bowley talking about what has and hasn’t helped her through these last few weeks. Post continues after audio.
“I’m grateful for the mindset I’ve been working on daily the past two years and the fact that through all this pain I’m able to still see that there is purpose in all this madness! I’m sad, I’m heartbroken, I’m torn to pieces but I’m grateful!”
That’s not to say it doesn’t come without its challenges though.
In a follow up post, Mettling wrote that the hardest part actually comes after the event, in the unexpected reminders of your loss.
“We Receive a package in the mail with the T-shirt we were going to use to so excitedly announce our pregnancy to the world…INSERT KNIFE TO THE HEART HERE. We get invited to a baby shower that just so happens to be the day we had our first ultrasound scheduled to hear the heartbeat of our baby that we now have to call and cancel… INSERT KNIFE TO THE HEART HERE,” she wrote.
“And on top of it all… we feel ashamed for feeling angry at all the happiness and love that surrounds us from the things listed above. It’s not over, it will never be over. We will always carry this pain!”
While the couple can’t control what happened, they’re determined to control how they handle it.
“Personally I plan on handling it with purpose, sharing my story, being public about my feelings, digging into the real and raw emotions,” she continued.
“Maybe it’s a coping mechanism or maybe it’s my destiny but I can’t help but imagine that something EXTREMELY POWERFUL can come out of something that Feels So EXTREMELY POWERLESS.”
If you, or someone you know is struggling with pregnancy loss or depression, contact PANDA on Ph: 1300 726 306.
Mamamia, through our Pregnancy Loss Awareness resources, offers hope to those who are hearing those torturous words, “I’m sorry, but there’s no heartbeat” for the first time. And to those who are still grieving after years or decades. There are more details here.