'My boyfriend says he knew within a week I was "the one". But I'm not so sure.'

How long does it take to know that someone is your “one?” Can it happen in days, minutes, months…or does it truly take years? It’s different for everyone. For me, I tend to approach life in such a way that I don’t feel confident I know anything until it’s been proven to me. 

And by proven, within the context of love, I think maybe that might require years for me. 

For my boyfriend, he apparently knew in a week that I was his “one.” This flattered, confused, and alarmed me.

Watch: Ask Mia Anything | Love Languages. Story continues below.

It’s not that he told me this immediately. No, he told me this about seven months into our relationship. Nevertheless, in the beginning, he treated me as such. 

I was worried.

Was he love-bombing me? Were his feelings genuine? Does he do this with everyone? How could he possibly know I’m his “one” when he doesn’t even know… well, me. It all just seemed sudden, and sudden makes me both nervous and doubtful. 

Even now, he’s as sure as ever that he wants to marry me. We have been together a little over a year, and I’m no closer to knowing if he’s my “one.” That in itself sometimes makes me doubt that he is. But at the end of the day, I just don’t really know. 

It makes me feel bad. It makes me feel like I’m wasting his time. What if I spend all this time deciding, and ultimately the answer is no? Sure, it’s the risk we all take in love. But it makes me feel guilty. 

Sometimes, I feel like I know. I feel like…he’s everything I could ever want. Every time I see him it’s like I’m seeing him for the first time all over again. I feel like we are just different enough that we complement one another in a way that will go the distance. When I look at him I want to do things for him. I want to rub his back after a long day, I want to take care of him when he’s sick, encourage his hobbies and passions. 

I want to go out of my way for him. That rarely happens to me in relationships. It’s not that I never do those things, but sometimes they have felt like more of a chore than anything. With him, I want to do them. That has to mean something. 

Part of my uncertainty might be insecurity. Do I really believe I deserve love? And if not, will I ever let myself accept it? Will I do everything in my power to convince myself this won’t work? 

I hate the human brain and what it’s capable of. 

My boyfriend’s unwavering certainty makes it all the more confusing. If someone is so sure I’m the one, how could I not feel the same way? It makes me feel like he’s in on some information that I don’t have access to. He knows some secret that I’m missing. 

Listen to Mamamia Out Loud, We’ve talked about quiet quitting on this podcast before in the context of work… but is it possible to quietly quit a relationship? Post continues below.

The last part of this equation is my age. I’m about to turn 27. People I went to high school with are getting married and having children. The notion is that many people partner up and settle down around this time in life. 

If I don’t decide to settle down with my boyfriend, I’m basically back to square one. It probably sounds scarier than it really would be. Nonetheless, it is something I consider. 

I also don’t want to hurt him. It makes my heart ache to think about him being sad, especially over something I had done. He doesn’t deserve it. 

I guess many of us can’t really, actually, truly, know if something is forever. People change. On a daily, monthly, and yearly basis. The person you marry today will be a different person tomorrow. That doesn’t mean you should marry someone who may turn into your “one” at some point. You have to marry them exactly as they are believing that’s true in that moment. 

I don’t know if it’s true for me. The last test would be deciding if, in this moment, I’d be okay if I wasn’t with this person anymore. And honestly, I don’t think I would be. It makes everything even more confusing. 

There can be lots of reasons why you’re unsure of your relationship. Sometimes, it can have nothing to do with your partner and everything to do with yourself. 

Becoming the best version of yourself oftentimes has nothing to do with your partner. It has everything to do with a commitment to putting your love for yourself before your love for anyone else. It sounds selfish, but in reality, it will make you a better person in your relationships. 

I know that, above all, I have to work on myself. The fact that my feelings around this are even so complicated makes me nervous, but it also feels like a sign that maybe I’m just unsure of myself. Maybe I don’t know myself well enough to know exactly what I want out of my life yet. 

I don’t fully trust my intuition because I’ve made many bad choices. Working on myself will be the only way for me to know what is best for me at this point in my life. 

All I can do is give my love for my boyfriend a chance. Maybe it’ll transform into forever, maybe it won’t. 

I’ll check back in next year.

Feature Image: Getty