I remember my firstborn’s face so clearly from that first ultrasound — his sweet lips, his turned up nose, his big eyes, and the tiny fist of fingers that never moved from his mouth. I felt like I knew him instantly when he was born because I’d already “met” him.
This second time around, our baby’s been a bit camera shy to say the least. After both the big anatomy scan and a bonus ultrasound, we had still yet to see what our baby looked like. After the third ultrasound, where the face was finally revealed, I can’t say the same about “meeting” my second child like I did with my firstborn.
I’ve been carrying this growing child for eight months now, yet I still can’t relate to him/her at all. I don’t know if it’s because I was expecting to see my son’s face reflected in this baby or not, but as soon as I saw the ultrasound photo, I felt like there was a stranger inside me. In the midst of feeling like a horrible mother and human being, I stole a sideways glance at my husband and immediately saw in his eyes that he felt it, too.
I know it’s completely normal to not feel an instant bond and connection with your baby during pregnancy, and even right after. It can take time and adaptation to really, truly fall in love.
But here I am eight months pregnant and what bond I did have with my growing baby feels like it was ripped away from me, all because of an innocent ultrasound.
You would think, if anything, an actual photographic glimpse of your child would help build the bridge that lets you connect and identify with your baby, but for my husband and I, it was the exact opposite.
Perhaps it’s because it took almost the entire pregnancy to lay eyes on more than just a spine or elbow, or perhaps it’s the fact that the only experience I’ve had in the world of ultrasounds is the face of my first child and this was not him.
Whatever the reason, I suddenly feel completed disconnected and physically separated (as impossible as that sounds) from this baby growing inside me.