Fantasies, porn and masturbation. A sexpert’s guide to working out what turns you on.

Not to brag or anything, but I had one of the best sexual experiences of my life earlier this year because the guy I was dating asked me to do one particular thing in bed. 

Look him in the eye while we were doing it. 

Sounds too simple, right? Easy done. But holy moly, let us never underestimate ANYTHING ever again, because it was INSANE.

Straight away – once I got past the awkwardness of staring at someone in the face – the physical connection multiplied by, like, A BAJILLION and I found myself so mentally stimulated by him looking at me looking at him that honest to God I’ve never had a more intensely intimate orgasm in my life. 

And the fact that at 34 years old I’m still working out what blows my mind, well, let’s just say the future is looking bright. 

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So, when it comes to sexual turn-ons, how do you find out what you really, really want? Because according to NORMAL, the sexual wellness brand, putting a finger on what gets our motors going can be tricky. 

Fortunately for us, they’ve put together a guide on discovering what actually turns you on. 

“Knowledge is power,” NORMAL’s sex coach Georgia Grace said, “and the more you learn about your sexual self, the easier it will be to communicate this with others.” 

And this, my dear friends, is the key to really great sex. 

Make a list

As a list girlie, this one really gets my blood pumping because there is nothing like a good ol’ notepad of pros and cons. Except in this case, Georgia wants us to write down what we do and don’t like in the bedroom. 

“The simple fact that you’re engaging with sex-positive content should help you realise that you’re committed to feeling more sexually confident,” she said. “And a powerful way to that goal is to seriously consider, and make note of, what turns you on and what turns you off.

“This is something you can do in your own time and in whatever way you’d prefer. In your head, written down or on your phone, even on a huge whiteboard you keep in your room! It doesn’t matter.” 

What this does – if you’re really honest with yourself – is help you get in how touch with how you *feel*. 

For example, if the feeling of silk, latex and leather gets you going, try wearing different fabrics while having sex or masturbating. Or if there are certain acts you don’t like, look for a thread connecting them and use it as a learning experience. 

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Engage the senses

Getting down to the nitty gritty, NORMAL wants us to think about what turns our senses on. 

“For example, what smells make you feel relaxed and comfortable,” the guide reads. “A certain candle, your lover’s fragrance, fresh bed sheets?

“What tastes do you enjoy? What kind of touch makes you feel good? How do you like to be spoken to and what do you like to look at?”

Well, I think we all know the latter works for me, but good golly this list is enough to get my mind racing!

Look at what porn you watch

As an avid porn viewer, I can only say that this has got to be one of the best ways to work out what you like because there is literally something for everyone out there. 

“If you watch, read or even write porn and erotica, have a think about whether there are any specific themes you gravitate towards,” NORMAL said. 

“Perhaps there’s a power dynamic that appeals or a particular plot line, or maybe there’s just a specific body type that you find yourself searching for again and again.”

*Heads immediately to search history.

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Think about what you think about when you masturbate

Are there any go-to's? A mental treasure trove of memories or favourite fantasies that you pry open every time you get down for some self-pleasure? 

Well, NORMAL wants us to look for things they have in common. 

“Maybe they all centre around a certain act, person, dynamic or situation – or maybe there’s something that they all avoid,” the guide reads. 

“By thinking about the things our brains naturally gravitate towards when we’re feeling aroused, we can move towards understanding what made us feel turned on in the first place.”

Write down your fantasies

Think of it like sexting, expect there’s no holding back. 

“Grab a blank page or your notes app, set a timer for five minutes and do some free writing,” the sexual wellness brand said. 

“Don’t censor yourself, go back and correct anything, or think about what you want to say next — just write and see what comes out.”

Listen to Chantelle Otten discuss all your sex questions on the Sealed Section. Post continues after podcast.

Feely a little nervy? NORMAL suggests these prompts: ‘I thought it was going to be a normal day but…’ and ‘When my lover told me they’d try anything I wanted, I asked them to…’ 

Let your imagination go wild! 

Experiment, experiment, experiment

It’s time to put all this hard work into practice. 

“If it appeals to you, try experimenting with your curiosities in a real, physical way,” said NORMAL, “in a context that feels safe and comfortable for you.” 

This could be role-playing a sexy scene with a partner or living out a fantasy with someone new. Just remember to set your boundaries first, and make sure your lover is aware of what you are and aren’t willing to try.

Now go have some fun! 

Image: Getty + Mamamia.