Ladies, help me out. You’d do this too, right?
I have a confession to make. I ate two Tim Tams for breakfast. No, wait, that’s a different confession.
I’m an excellent internet-stalker.
One time, I saw a cute guy playing saxophone in a pub band. He winked at me.
And then I Googled the name of the pub and found the name of the band and found the name of the saxophone player and found him on Facebook and found out he had a wife and a child and left the pub before he’d even finished the song.
I am an excellent Internet-stalker.
It’s almost one year since I met my (non-saxophonist) boyfriend on Tinder. We chirted (chat-flirted. I just made that up. Like it?) casually. We met for a drink.
And by the time we met face-to-face for our first date, I had stalked him to the far corners of the Internet. I’d even heard the sound of his voice, before I’d ever spoken to him.
Creepy-ass bunny-boiler, right? Well, maybe. But a lady’s got to do what a lady’s got to do.
‘Stalking’ is a harsh term. I prefer to use the term ‘vetting’. Or ‘innocently trying to look at every photo of him ever taken to see if he is actually real/creepy/married/a grandfather/a dickhead’.
This is how it happened. Stalking 101: The Internet Way.
Step One: We matched on Tinder. We started chatting. (10/10 for wit. 11/10 for not asking me if I’m ‘DTF’. 2/10 for not immediately giving his last name so I could stalk him then and there).
Step Two: After chirting (actually, it sounds dirty. Let’s go back to ‘chatting’) through Tinder for a while, he sent me a link to a photo he had posted on Instagram (to prove we both had an obsession with brightly coloured sneakers. Important).
SUCCESS. I had his last name. LET THE STALKING BEGIN.
Past the point of stalking and managed to score yourself a date? Listen to Osher Gunsberg shares his first date advice, on Mamamia’s Love Life podcast. Post continues after audio.
Step Three: I looked through all of his Insty photos. And then the photos of anyone tagged in his photos. And then found him on Facebook (private. Dammit). And then cross-referenced all of his friends on Facebook to find if he was in any of their photos.
Step Four: And then I went a little further. He told me he was a lawyer, so I Googled his name + ‘lawyer’ and went through all the results. Oh hey there, LinkedIn profile. How you doing, law firm newsletter?
And then I got really creative.
Step Five: I saw that he and his friends on Instagram kept referencing some fantasy football club they started. So I found the webpage. This page was quite obviously only intended for the boys in the club, but pffft. That wasn’t going to stop me. BINGO. I clicked a little tab that said ‘videos’.