lifestyle

10 buttons Facebook needs more than a "Dislike" button.

Cc: Mark Zuckerberg.

Today the God of Facebook aka Mark Zuckerberg announced that the social media platform would be receiving a brand new feature.

A “Dislike” button.

Obviously this is a welcome edition for anyone who has ever been forced to “Like” a post about someone’s pet dying, their public transport fine or the unfortunate demise of a couple’s relationship in order to acknowledge its existence.

I DO NOT LIKE THIS. I AM NOT A MONSTER.

Mr Zuckerberg says that it won’t be a negative thing… so not a “Dislike” button exactly, more of a way to help you “express empathy” or show solidarity to your friends.

The title of the button hence remains TBC.

With that in mind, we have a few suggestions.

1. You will regret posting this.

For when you see something so bloody stupid in your news feed that you want to get your driver’s licence so you can walk to your parents’ house, borrow their car and drive over to the house of the person who posted it and scream WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE? in their probably very-surprised face.

HOW DO I EVEN KNOW YOU?

2. This is a hack.

A button to alert your friend that their Facebook has been compromised.

Thanks in advance.

3. Stop trying to inspire me.

No. I don’t want to get up today. I don’t care how short life is, I am determined to spend it in my bed not seizing opportunities.

God this Jo Robin is clearly unbearable. You should unfriend her.

4. Get a bloody room.

Oh, you’re in a relationship? I couldn’t be sure from the FIFTY other photos you’ve posted of you and your partner adorably eating chips by the seaside. Can you get a room already? Sheesh.

5. Quit humble-bragging.

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The humble brag is a Facebook status staple. It’s when you’re deliberately self deprecating in order to post something boastful for all your friends to see.

Yeah we get it, you have a shower AND a phone. Geez.

6. I-do-not-care-that-you-went-on-a-holiday-had-a-delicious-breakfast-cleaned-your-bloody-room-did-something-I-was-too-busy-scratching-my-nose-to-remember-to-do.

Yes, your legs look super hot against the backdrop of the endless horizon. Your smashed avocado with a side of fairy sweat looks delicious too. I just don’t care a whole lot, but I want you to KNOW that I don’t care a whole lot.

Oh, you went on a holiday? BULLY FOR YOU.

7. Google it.

You are literally sitting at a computer, which clearly has internet access. Just bloody look it up.

Google. Google knows.

8. Call a doctor.

Yes, that is a stye. No, it’s not normal to vomit blood. I’m not sure what colour your snot should be, I do not have a medical degree.

Don’t think it’s serious enough to consult a doctor? See number 7.

9. Seriously, you need professional help.

Call the Kid’s Helpline. Stat.

10. Stop being so passive aggressive and just say what you mean.

Okay this might be a little long for a button title, maybe we could shorten it to SBSPASWYM?

This is applicable to everything from “I need to a hug” (we get it you’re having a bad day and we’re all terrible friends) to “What happened to everyday etiquette?” (I’m sorry I stood on your foot in the supermarket, okay?) to those veiled but oddly pointed jabs people make at their loved ones and ex boyfriends: “How could you?”

So, what do you think Big Z- are we onto something?

What button would you add to Facebook?

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