'I've been estranged from my father for 5 years. People still say I should forgive him.'

Mamamia recently heard from 12 women about what led them to be estranged from their parents. Every story was heartbreaking and no two stories were the same. One woman who wanted to share her experience of estrangement was Ellie* and while we only used part of her story in the original post, we want to share her story in full.

This is Ellie’s story of being estranged from her 70-year-old father, as told to Mamamia.

My father was never a great parent to me and didn’t care about being involved in my life. We always had issues. We had no connection and no trust. 

He once told me he paid for my schooling and that was his job done. So that didn’t build a great bond between us. 

My parents divorced when I was five years old and I literally have no memory of my dad growing up. He moved states after they divorced, which meant I barely saw him. 

Then he would forget my birthday, Easter, anything special. I would maybe see him once a year from when I was eight.

Watch: Complicated grief and knowing when to get help. Post continues below.

He would tell me that I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t smart and intelligent like my older sister, and I wasn’t athletic like my brother. I was a runt of a kid and I think I represented weakness to him. He was quite dismissive of me. 

My brother and sister have much better bonds with him today. Though they weren’t parented any better; they were loved. I think that’s the biggest difference between mine and their experience. It hurts that they have better relationships. But sharing the same parent doesn’t mean you were parented the same. 

To this day I swear that man didn’t, couldn’t, or just wouldn’t love me. 

At one stage we had a family dog and I remember thinking that dog is loved more than me. He saw me as the weak link and he had no time for that. 

If I visited him at his place, he wouldn’t spend time with me. He would leave me to sort myself out. He would yell at me that I was sh*t or stupid. 

If I ever tried to bring up how his yelling would make me feel scared or sad, he would tell me I was overreacting. 

His relationship with my mother was awful. They hated each other. Their phone calls were brutal. When they divorced, they made a deal that us kids - my sister, brother and me - would go and live with him when we started high school. 

I swear he only did this to hurt mum. I believe I was used as a pawn to reinforce his dislike of my mother. 

When I moved to his home (in a different state to where I had been) I had to do my own washing, sort my own food, and make my way home when he’d forget to pick me up. I was 13 years old.

When mum later died, he didn’t even leave work to tell me. I found out at school. And I was told to go back to school the next day. 

Listen to an episode of Mamamia Out Loud about the viral 'two-inch' grief theory. Post continues below.

It has been a long journey cutting off this relationship.

He was avoidant and neglectful as a parent. And he has chosen to never address this. He would make me feel so unloved that I had no choice but to stop having any sort of contact with him. 

When I got married 12 years ago, I told him he wasn’t walking me down the aisle. I wasn’t his to give away. 

In the last five years, I’ve made it very clear that I want nothing to do with him. 

Now that I’m 40, people don’t bat an eye when I tell them that I’m estranged from my father. I think once you get to a certain age, most people realise how complicated and messy families are. And when I explain some of the details, most people understand. 

Despite this, some people still say I should accept what he did and forgive him. They might say something like, 'He’s a man of a different generation.' But I say that’s bullsh*t.

My dad has never expressed any regret about his actions towards me and he has no relationship with my children. He says things to my sister, but he’ll never bring it up with me. He knows I won’t have a bar of it. As he’ll try to make it my issue. And now as a parent myself, I know that isn’t true.

These days we speak maybe once a year and I have no plans on ever seeing him again. Telling my story was actually a very cathartic process. 

The repercussions of what happened to me during my childhood have greatly impacted me as an adult. But I can’t change what it was.

I wish him no harm but clearly he still has issues. My only way to survive that relationship now is to have nothing to do with him. 

If you need to speak to someone about estrangement or abuse contact Lifeline on their 24 hour crisis support line 13 11 44.

While *Ellie is known to Mamamia, her name has been changed for privacy reasons. The image is a stock photo from Getty.