"It can be a wonderful experience." Esther Perel on how to ask for a marriage sabbatical.

According to recent data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics, divorce rates have spiked in the wake of the global pandemic.

For the couples who survived lengthy lockdowns, but now feel the need for some change, an extended solo holiday or marriage sabbatical might just be the answer.

World renowned relationship expert Esther Perel was on The Quicky this week to discuss why many of us might benefit from taking an extended sabbatical from our primary relationship, and how we should ask for it.

Listen to Mia Freedman and Esther Perel on The Quicky. Post continues below.

"Pandemics, lockdowns, disasters all act as relationship accelerators," Perel, host of the Where Should we Begin? podcast, tells Claire Murphy.

"When you are faced with your mortality, when you are faced with danger and you think life is short, you rearrange your priorities. 

"And when you rearrange your priorities, you basically either say, 'What am I waiting for? I've waited long enough, let's get together'. Or, 'What am I waiting for? I'm out of here as soon as I can'. And now we are seeing all of that unfold in front of us. 

"There's a saying that when you have disasters, you have more babies - and more divorces."

Perel says that being open to creative ideas - like taking an extended break - is good for long-term relationships. Especially after prolonged periods of being stuck at home together, without surprise or adventure.

"We each need some fresh air, and we each need to experience ourselves separately from the structure of our relationship," Perel says on The Quicky.

"And that has nothing to do with not wanting to be together or wanting to divorce. If you talk about needing six weeks off, then we're not talking about divorce. We're just saying, 'I need to re-experience myself separately from our togetherness'. For many people, that can be a wonderful experience.

"We have always needed home and journey, or home and travel, and when you've been in lockdown, you haven't had any of that travel. And you don't necessarily want to do it with your partner. Although some [couples] have gone into a van and just travelled for months on end and lived on the go! So there are a lot of different expressions for trying to bring back energy, fresh air, possibility and discovery into something that has gone so flat."

Read more: Mia Freedman: I accidentally had a marriage sabbatical. Here’s how it went down.

To ask for this kind of extended marital or relationship break, Perel says to start with an acknowledgement of what you have been through.

"Sometimes it starts with [saying], 'We really went through this very challenging thing together and I think we did it well'. Or, 'We did it as best we could'. So there are variations, but it starts with an acknowledgement that we went through something really hard together and yet here we are."

Perel explains we need to examine our differences and just ask our partner for what we need. It may require writing lists.

"[We need to ask ourselves], What do we need in our relationship to strengthen it, to give it back its energy? It's like a muscle that's been atrophied. Our sociability has atrophied. [We ask], 'How do we connect with each other and with the world around us? What do we need?' And then you write down the things one person needs, and the other. 

"You [might decide], 'I personally would like to travel, maybe with friends, because I need to be with other people'. 'I need a different reflection on me and that has nothing to do with you'. You explain that this is not because you don't like your partner, but that it is not natural what we've just gone through. [You ask], 'Do you think we have the strength in us to do such a thing? I think we do'."

Perel says there is no 'one size fits all' approach for couples seeking to refresh their relationship post pandemic. She says for some, a trial separation with regular date nights might work, and for others an extended break is key, but overall we need to forget all the 'rules'. 

"So you come out of the pandemic, and you realise, 'I don't really know what I want for us'. Sometimes you find out by talking, sometimes you find out by saying, 'Let's take a month-long trip and do something completely different, that we haven't done in ages, and let's see who we are outside of this whole environment'. 

"Sometimes it's together, and sometimes it's apart but what it highlights is that many relationships got asphyxiated. It's both a very rich time for relationships and a very scary time for relationships, because nothing is normal and there is no normal to go back to.

Watch: Esther Perel's TED talk on why happy couples cheat. Post continues below.

"So, [we need to ask ourselves], 'Who are we going to be henceforward? What is the nature of our relationship? What can we give each other? Who do we bring into our relationship? Where are our friends? Where's our community? How do we make room for what we share, and for what we experience individually and separately?'"

Finally, Perel says that aside from having time to find ourselves, a major benefit of taking a break from each other is that it can reignite curiosity in, and desire for our partners. 

"Longing is the real word here. Longing is what ignites desire and desire is often not just rooted in what is right there, but in the absence. But what happens when you're in lockdown is you have no absence, the person who is 'choking' you is just always there and you just want to miss them a little bit. 

"The goal of being apart is to reconnect with 'the missing'. If you are missing nothing, then you're less likely to go back afterwards. If you allow yourself to miss, to value what you have, to realise what you enjoy; then you go back with a very different energy. And that's when being apart brings us closer, versus being apart as the beginning of the end."

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