"How I saved myself from an emotionally abusive relationship."

Image: iStock. 

Physical abuse always comes with emotional abuse, but unfortunately the reverse isn’t always true.

At my first job as a therapist, I worked with a domestic violence organisation. During my time there, more than one of my clients said that they actually prefer the physical violence to the emotional violence, because at least physical bruises heal.

Of course, it is more difficult to realise if your relationship is emotionally abusive than if it is physically abusive. Physical attacks are impossible to ignore, but verbal and emotional ones are harder to identify as emotional scars are silent and hidden.

I can relate to this because I was also in an emotionally abusive relationship and it never occurred to me that that’s what it was until years later. I didn’t have a good enough sense of what behaviour I should tolerate and what boundaries I should set, and so I wasn’t aware of the fact that I was being abused.

My boyfriend and I were smart, attractive and well-educated. But no matter what my life looked like on the outside, on the inside I desperately wanted to be loved. This led me to enduring being ignored and being treated like I didn’t matter. What I wanted and felt didn’t matter.

"I desperately wanted to be loved" (Image via iStock.)


I wasn't good enough to be invited to his brother's wedding even though we had been together for two years, but when it came to sex, suddenly I was good enough. There was no reason for him to change his behaviour because he got everything he wanted, when he wanted it.


You MUST Listen To Your Inner Voice.

I was lucky that he never proposed and that our lives diverged naturally. Had we stayed together, I don't think I would have been able to see the toxic relationship I was in without distance and time.

It took a hard breakup with a man I did want to marry to see what I needed to do in order to be in a healthy, loving relationship. It took me a couple of more years after that to move forward. There is a reason for the expression, "no one else can love you until you love yourself."

If you are part of an emotionally abusive relationship, you are so desperate to be loved that you can confuse their behaviour with love. Maybe you even think this sort of behaviour is the closest to love you'll feel. Loving behaviour is respectful and kind and makes room for your voice and your feelings. (Post continues after gallery.)


But you have to be willing to use your voice and honour your feelings. That is the key to breaking through the shackles of emotional abuse and setting yourself free. That is the key to setting yourself on the path to healthy relationships.

Looking for love and acceptance from someone else is impossible if you cannot find it in yourself first. When you love yourself, you know what sort of behaviours you should not tolerate and what boundaries should be set for yourself.

You know what sort of treatment you truly deserve from your partner. I learned that if the worst thing that happened to me was that I would end up on my own, I would be OK.

I learned that my feelings and my voice mattered as much as anyone else's. Once I embraced those two beliefs, I was able to love and be loved in a healthy, mature relationship. It was the loving relationship that I deserved.

It is only when you are completely comfortable being alone and loving yourself that you are ready to be with someone else. Until then, you are susceptible to emotional abuse. You are vulnerable to looking for love in all the wrong places.

This article was first published on Your Tango. Read the original article.

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