The many emotional stages of attempting a parallel park.

  1. God these city streets are biz-ay.
  2. Oooh! Is that an easy park up there?
  3. Nope, just a teeny tiny hatchback parked really close in. Again.
  4. Hatchback owners are such deceitful little jerks.
  5. Oh my god.
  6. Wait.
  7. There’s a parallel park. In a non-ticketed spot.
  8. Does the council do this on purpose to… taunt us?
  9. Should I try it?
  10. I’m gonna try it.
  11. Oh god there’s a whole queue of cars waiting behind me already.
  12. Okay okay okay shut up so I can channel my inner Goddess of Coordination.
  13. I am one with the car, the car is one with me.
  14. We are synced. We are kindred spirits.
  15. Visualise the parallel park. BE the parallel park.
  16. Alrighty. Indicator ON.
  17. Let’s just mosey on up to the adjacent car’s side mirror here and pray I don’t get stage fright.
  18. What did my car instructor say in 2007? Was it a full wheel turn, or a half turn?
  19. Now that I think of it, I haven’t done a parallel park since getting my Ps.
  20. This oddly feels like the time I forgot to bring undies to swimming lessons in primary school.
  21. Let’s go with a… half… turn?
  22. Hmmmm.
  23. Um.
  24. I actually hate myself. That was completely wrong.
  25. Shit. 
  26. I am legitimately in the middle of the road right now.
  27. Breathe. Just breathe. Let’s try it all again. Just remember the golden rule: No matter what you do, do not turn around to see the face of the driver behind you.
  28. Oh god that lady looks maaaaad. 
  29. She definitely knows how to parallel park.
  30. Okay, full wheel turn this time.
  31. Betterrrrr…
  32. Beeeeeettteeeeerrrrrrrr…
  33. Beeeeeeeeeeetttttttteeeeerrrrrrrrrrr…
  34. Now just to flip around the other way.
  35. No.
  36. Oh God no.
  38. Please be the kerb, please be the kerb.
  39. It was the kerb, THANK GOD IT WAS THE KERB.
  40. What the eff do I do know?!
  41. This was the worst idea ever.
  42. I can’t drive.
  43. I need a cup of tea.
  44. I need to be held.
  45. I need mum.
  46. I need to get out of here.
  47. LEG IT.